Think Stank and the Trillion Dollar Idea

A fresh wave of ideas has crashed in my head, yes I must be employed because my mind has now freed up space where it was lamenting a dim future of poverty, I am now open to spending my newly revamped spare time as precious and since it now has value..... I'm inspired by Ezra Klein who last week filled in for Rachel Maddow and teased out a plausible if not theatrical solution to or economic albatross. Our country oddly is not in control of the printing of our dollars, they are debt notes not really backed by anything and are created by the federal reserve loaned to the US government for a fee and then distributed. That's right and I'm sure you are asking yourselves well why would we agree to such a whack deal, especially because how could we ever earn enough money to be out of debt since they own all the money? SO that being said most money that is in circulation is just digital anyway. It is conceptual at this point including our debt. So oddly the US does how control over the production of coin and the US mint could issue a special edition platinum coin that they could set the value at. Say 1 Trillion dollars (pinky to mouth) and that would be it deposit it in our account debts paid, and why not make 5 and cancel out student loan debt (I am infuriated that a rapist or murder gets 37,000 a year in care and feeding and I get 34,000 in loans for the entirity of my higher education) Can you imagine what a relief to millions of americans that are pinned to student debts? I say de crimalize victimless crimes and set up higher education grants of 37,000 a year for full time students, with a required year spent abroad and a year doing some kind of Americorps. Put an ipad for every student and require a digital textbook alternative to save on the waste of paper and the abuse and cost of endlessly outdating material. Which will bring about the employ of the most imaginative and vivid living books. Fund high speed rail that floats on magnets and is cheap and effective to get down the coasts and across the country, maybe magnet cars or self driving vehicles that would avoid the accidents caused by careless and intoxicated and distracted drivers, throw in Universal Health care Public college is now funded and free to attend. And build some serious low income housing and since I'm feeling splurgy School lunch goes organic, Dentistry is a part of a national health plan and electric cars are put as a priority, the tax code is simplified to a booklet. Victimless crimes are not jail worthy and Weed is no longer a felony but a taxed and regulated substance and the violence and black market crumbles, along with prostitution so that health care and safety can be addressed and the violence disease and human trafficking can be illuminated and sexuality can come out of the shadows. I'd like to see an education system that provides breakfast, yoga and martial arts. Ban GMOs like every other 1st world country and if the senate can't balance a budget than they get docked pay and a public town hall where they are held accountable for their lack of ethos and a gong show like immediate dismal if they are shown ineffective. And elections at all levels should be no longer than 1 month and have 1 million dollars to run a campaign, if nate silver taught us anything is that most people make up their mind pretty early. Marriage  is associated with religion I think that a civil union should be recognized as a nation between two people, that they have agreed to be life partners with all the benefits of a marriage. If they want to throw a party well that is a private matter between them and their church / temple whatevs and the space they rent.  State shouldn't be in marriage anyway - let's all have civil unions as recognized by country why not. Fair is fair and everyone needs to find love.
OK so we have a better world in 3...2...1.........

ticking........ time takes a peace pipe?

The shift is tampering and subtle and as these moons bloat with good will and gamma rays flood our DNA I sense my sequestered spirit and the limits of my own creation. I opt for adventure in my mind but it always fizzles to maintain and i shatter to the desires of the higher invisible road that occasionally I feel like gossamer kisses from ghost ships in the middle of the night. I want my life to be more special than it is or that it is allowing for. This is completely my own fault, I attest. But still dear universal intention give me the courage to be a captain again. Even these words send oxygen to my blood. My deep dream is to be of significance to witness the cosmic dance at the pyramids for The Great Convergence. I have applied for a scholarship and pray I find myself with creatures of the stars at a pivotal moment in time. SO yeah dear friends I want to win the lottery to start a women's credit union and network of art communities that provide havens for creatives, widows, and the abused. I want to  micro finance women's art and education and health and independence. "if won the lottery or if I ran for office"  My heart beats with only dreams but I humbly pray that humanity is holding something for me to be driven enough to claim. This month I have felt a slice of solace to winter in to my inner care and feeding of the soul. And though I know that this exercise in reflection and revelation and soap box is merely an echo I reach out to my secret secret and unfold a truth and a promise of purpose.

Excercising the ache of possibillity

Well so it seems that after an exhaustive slightly crippling lurch in humanity is hopeless, there is this tinker of arts and celebration it is not however in a dazzling bottle of champagne but in a large glass of white wine after a long day. So under the recent spell of a maddow fueled examination, can we start dreaming what is possible and just assume it is? I am tired of being beholden to eventually and it is a process- do we really believe we have the time to keep holding the hand of consumer chaos? What can I do today to demand better? WAR IS OVER if you want it to be. Said John and Yoko over 30 years ago. When do each of us get honest. I admit that it is easy to have a love in from the comfort of your 5th ave apartment but is there a middle ground that can be worked out Step one : Know what you want. Step two: define it plan, map and actualize it. step 3 : own it. Today I am going to call my senators and remind them we are in an unpopular war and when the country is looking for places to trim the fat that the DOD is an obese bitch. And this is the battle cry of me in my new apartment single 30something recovering from an accident not quite sure of the future but sure that there is one and that I better have a lot of fun and believe in whatever I am doing, so back to work aka back to passion.

"Onward March" the refreshed sentiments of an optimist.

And so it begins after a massive fever of combative ego political and personal in the should I stay or should I go varity, it comes down to "the show must go on." But there is a glimmer of strength that was not born of hope but breed in the disappointments and yet we returned as a nation to serve the needs of the common over the power and might of a handful of corporations and overlords. Yes this has sucked and yes it should've been better but it is what it needs to be and as an american and a human i have chosen to adjust the time table and ease my imagined sense of entitlement and simply work to do my best to be better. This week is the Starz Film Festival and there is a parade of films and people that I am mixed up with and somewhere Denver is a beacon for festival for festivals sake. I have no expectations about how the meetings or roads will wind for the tapestry of my fate, but I will make every effort to show up. And even Mittens with his Smug President elect web site still shows he really believed in actions. I guess that is the danger, to drink your own cool aid. I mark this journey with a little faith that here in my quiet little studio I will find my voice and my way to be all the things I thought I was and to allow those dreams to evolve with out regrets. They fall away the moments of if only and somehow I find myself loving every minute and unable to honestly wish to change anything. I guess that means the best truly yet to come.

Fighting for cause

This month is breast cancer awareness month. .And last week I was reintroduced into the power of women's code really is. The election season women's rights are back into question, note if you do not have ovaries, you simply can not be qualified to preside over them. Just sayin. Can you imagine a testicular panel of only women telling men what to do about their balls? Anyway, I spent an evening at a women's investment group mixer, named the 1820 club... why because it was the year of Susan B Anthony's birth( A reminder that it was not so long ago that women had no right to vote, own property, inherit, or wear pants) there was wine and cheese it was quite nice, and as suspected there was the question of why don't more women become Angel Investors rather that philanthropic endeavors, I wanted to say something awful which was because usually the investing is handled by the husband and the wife does the spending.  Hark it is terrible to think it, but it might be true, women would rather decorate or give it away before invest on the whole, and so today I watched pink ribbons inc now on netflix, and thought long and hard about the lack of accountability for where the money for research goes. And what of the all this pink stuff that is out there..... Is Lauder, Revlon, Ford really Diet Coke sponsors women heart health? Is this another form of patriot act? call it by the name that it is really attacking? well anyway, today I was reminded that the power of marketing to the mass mind of women is a battle that everyday I must fight or in reality where I don't feel like using such absurd terms like fighting, each day I must be mindful of the presence of desire for things and to create community and acceptance and to feel strong and healthy not by means of pressure but by the sheer force of joy in my heart. Lumps and all, I am here and tears are shed as I make my way, alone and with others, but I will take the time to find out who and why then ingest the obvious pink poison.

Full Disclosure of a broken Dream

When I left SF I felt a rip tide that I could not explain, much as the mouring the loss of a lover and all the dreams that will never be, I felt like there was a golden age that I was apart of and there had always been a thread that had guided my purpose that had driven me to see and feel deeper. I was born under extreme circumstances and have often felt pressurized with my unique skill set that has seemed to take me to higher high and lower lows but always in the quest of the soul searching and accountabillity I felt for being here on Earth at this time. My mother had been told and her body was really not in condition to have another child so much later but her cleanse that she went on by way of Dr. Brown restored her body and though my father was in his 6os and had had a Vasectomy I had arrived healthy much to belief and guidance of Dr. Brown, who is known for his Atlantean Crystal discovery of the coast of Florida. My name is Crystal and I have experienced a profound sense of playful with what it might mean to be a living speaking and feeling Crystal. Why did I come in 1980 as an Aries Fire sign-

as a part of the Indigos, why was I born to Mercy hospital and had such a strong sense of myself from earliest memory. Why did I have as many protectors and people offer the assistance I needed to accomplish my visions and for me to be able to see them so clearly. Over the years I have felt my own disappointments and the tick of a karmic clock in my ear having deep intuitions about cosmic events and global shifts and in depth knowledge to the truths lurking in the closets of strangers, perhaps my temptations for fresh meat. I am a sleuth. On the hunt for some lost truth, and slowly drifting from proactive to reactive I have been deeply bothered by this wilting occurring but it is now that I face a freeing and a heart break for a purpose that I have held and a flame in my heart to find the Atlantean Crystal as a duty, has been dashed today there is a disturbance in the force and whether it is a good sign that we can not go home, that the Karma has been cleared or that a true and correct active piece of mystical has been lost to us during these sinister and logic based times, I do not know. But it was real, my feeling of needing to say goodbye the urgency of explaining if I was journeying alone if I wanted to stay or to go.... I feel alone and free but I weep for a something I can mot touch or explain, a dream to find my place to be apart of the gentle people some cosmic space party or some kind of activation here in the earthly plane there is nothing but forward now, as today I have learned that the crystal had been accidentally broken. I will say that I had felt that there was an urgency to me finding it and I thought we would unite for 12-12-12 but it is now a dream of gossamer clouds on a windy day. If this opens my heart so wide as now to fit a new dream of dreams a truer freedom a new expanse of power and light and love than so be it. Better we go to face the great unknown where as I thought I had a map, we are adventurers again. God Speed and be gentle.

A month of Sundays and Divine intervention a Shaman Story if you would believe me.

(This was a draft and as twists would have it something that will haunt me as my path twisted from this plan, but I wanted to post it anyway because that healing was amazhing and I should let it float out in the universal instead of sitting in a digital vault.) Well with a week and counting to Burning Man and to leap back to the otherside of the pool to swim in warmer waters as a preemptive strike to the bad weather burn of Winter and my health function concerns, I set up a date with a Shaman Lady that is an exorcist of the bad stuff. The things that have been nesting in my bones and body making me eat my pain, not speak my truth and generally sabatoge my living experience, some of which has been there maybe lifetimes, some of which I remembered as it had been shadowed away from my memory. But here is what is strange so if you think about Harry Potter and keeping pieces of souls what would be better than a living crystal? Am I getting into some awkward territory? Try living this. So several weeks ago my Uncle met this couple and I really felt that they had more to do with me than with him, he of course could never imagine such a notion, but Linda and I kept looking at each other, and just found an easy conversational space for some of the most esoteric of subjects. And then I took the dog for a walk down a different street and basiclly walked right up the house they have been remodeling. It was then she mentioned that she did healing work, Indeed I needed healin-

In bed with Beethoven and the illusion of recovery

It is with a broken heart and a twisted wreck of a fighter body that I type these mental etchings into the vast stratosphere pleading my case to the sands of time and the winds of fate. On route to Burning Man and my new exciting fearless life of creative freedom and epic sunsets on the beach and perhaps that true love I've been working up the worth for, well I got bitch slapped right on the ass by a big white truck and I have been derailed back to Denver where there never ceases to be things to get nested in but also the neon glow of Denver has now been turned a fluorescent, And as I lie in bed finally with a day simply to catch my bones before they drop right off, I found the documentary of Beethoven now I am really not trying to say that my prattles and vaguely ingenious insights into the minds and hearts of a crumbling civilization are hardly worthy comparison to the greatest composer of all time, but it brought me comfort that he too.... struggled with health troubles that held him back and he turned out to be the best, in fact maybe it made him the best because his struggles pushed him. I fold in. And yet the only thing I had the strength to do was to find a room in a home of ladies on the brink of breakdown. I have unpacked found a job which I promptly quit today, baring the pain of the body and the mind numbing "work" it seems I am a snob even when crumpled like a rejected paper airplane I still demand purpose. It was cultural rehab that has 1st installed an active voice. A haven for the weary and maybe the fiery that want to do more in the parameters. Not everyone can be so brutally punished with frustrations as Beethoven to be in the shadow of a prodigy yet discover your own talents swell to such immortal proportions only to be constantly ripped apart by deaf ears and weak bowels. To never have the comfort of lasting love and the solace of companionship. Yes today I snuggled with the inner muse that must face that my game plan and time line have once again felt altered. But unlike last year, when I I braced my neck and clung to ropes, I have learned that I will swing again. That my spirit will not splinter under the task of another rebuild but that it will bend and mold itself and that I have only one task and that is to make. I am a lover and laughter and a doer in life and no truck can ram that out of me.
So 2012 I do beg your indulgence and my hail mary pass but we will get there.

a prize for itching the scratch

It turns out it has been a long time. Settling the accounts of hometown wounds, exploring the champagne problems of living lightly with a little money to burn and more money to steer my boat where I want to go, not just where I have to. It is, in fact no less irritating than having no options. But this does not mean I am not infinitely grateful for the spill in my lap, but that strange American? Dream that all things get fixed at some point, and "then I will be done" is a no show. All Hail the adaptability of the Human to still live and interact and to want and desire and be unhappy. My flesh, my waking life, my love to love it is all bubbling to surface, my meditative trance of survival is dissipating into happy little clouds. And now the fierce visionary women I claim as i unpacked the sparkled trunks of a lifetime surrendered to storage years ago have come to rain in my spain. And I believe I can dance all night again.

Boomzilla and the art of automagically.

At some point permission is granted. YES I CAN.  My life is unfolding as I design it because I want to do things and represent and dream the impossible dram of art and love and making my life my own again. Somewhere  started to find rules. To trust in the take away. The prize of rehab from a mad mad world. I have never related to but how found the amusement (bewildering) nature of an unnatural craft of careless trumpeting in the streets of bloody strife and struggle. Right now there are children in process of breaking their dreams or realizing them as they hone and flash moments of solid perfection in feats of pure technical achievement. I watched a tiny girl twist and float through the air as only a child could do. She smiles as she sticks the landing she was perfect. I am not perfect but yet i still have a waking dream of perfection, it spills into what is me as a lifestyle, a relationship, work, friends, a night out, and deserved night in, my family and my sense of legacy and even the retort of a cultural movement I am creating for the paper ghost of purrrrrfect? i/ once sat in a seat and struck up a stranger with my ideas and my projects, i took his picture and he he asked me where  i could buy my stuff or something like that, i didn't have an answer and he shook his head, what a shame i wasn't prepared. My heart broke and i felt a cave of time crush my skull, he told me that all things should be effortless. I hang my head and as would be Olympians push deeper into breath taking feats of competition, I swoon to the mystic call of effortless grateful for any glimpse of being the luckiest girl AKA automagically.

Moral Outrage a lesson in Compassion from the Venus Flytrap AKA Oooops misplaced my anger again sorry folks

Wow what a week! I'm feelin a little blown out by the Retrograde of Mercury and a little undazzled by the spectacle of madness that dares me to peek at the American wounds of entertainment and the nature of misplacing anger. Life's rich pageant took a dark turn last week as a bizarrely well choreographed tragedy occurred in Aurora my former early teen stomping grounds. It seems that another isolated young man choose to arm himself and open fire at a movie theatre that was playing the midnight showing of the final Batman. 12 were killed many injured. Like Columbine I know someone that was related to a victim, it does not qualify me of anything but I did burst to tears when I read the reactions of angered friends of friends that wanted to call to arms more citizens- when will more men with guns help? In Britain 13 deaths for the year by guns because they are not carried by anyone cops, robbers and their is no worry to go to a show or campus. Video games are designed with no thought to collateral damage I refuse to believe that pretending to play shoot em up for countless hours does not desensitize the concept of shoot to kill.  It feels close again the bafflement, I can't imagine the sorrow of the families but as I felt with Columbine this is very much a larger conversation and a much deeper wound that needs to be healed. I don't really want to focus on victims or their families in the media the pain is usually channeled to creating champions for cause to cure..... a heavy price for finding your voice, or even the sad guy that caused this pain. The day of, I was walking around in a daze reminded of how alien the life and times of American is to me: a young man in lime green raver fetish jeans and a fish net shirt long dyed messy hair and a leather Bat mask with pointy ears and his friend-girl walking slightly distant stared me down crossing towards the Subway - waiting/ begging for me to be shocked.  Suicide Girls in hand made Undies were beckoning the Santa Fe art crowd t come in and buy some arts crafts clothes, there were cupcakes and booze and everyone was attractive I guess that's ok as long as it was to buy stuff not sex, a black bus filled with party boys yelled out the window for the girls to join them..... Why was this not moral outrage/ women exploited to sell goods but not services was clearly off the menu? My friends invited me to a family picnic in Wyoming not convenient for a reunion but more of a,  will you come to the mountain for us gesture. It did cost me 100 for a new muffler, should I bill them or my friend for the lousy guidance as backed out of the mountain. Eh money Flows, I did get to experience the majesty of Hummingbirds what the ancients did before you tube, and sticking my feet in a creek and remembering my dear Friend Zak killed by a drunk driver 8 years ago, we sat at a kitchen table in the cabin in the woods as he brought me out of a long night of feeling awkward(miss you hoodlum savant Denver nights lost a glow with you gone) The 19 year old kid that was sleeping at my moms house for the wayward was caught trying to steal from a roommate, only to minutes later break into my car and leave the wallet but take my phone - the wallet had cash the phone was priceless. In the days that followed of my friends on FB being outraged or angry that their sacred place of refuge from the mad mad world was terrorized (at the Batman premier during a gun scene- really? 160 million in a weekend? really? Don't get me wrong I Love Batman in fact I drove a batmobile but look at the story here, Batman was created out of senseless violence and the loss of his parents. Dexter is a serial killer crafted from drug dealer parents and a detective Dad who serves as trainer to be undetected assuming him to be a monster and what does he kill? other monsters? I am reminded of a Chris Rock I am curious how a student affords 20,000 in guns and ammo and fancy explosives? I could barely afford the movie ticket as a student. How did he even get into the theatre those are one way doors right? I am never really discounting of a Manchurian candidate/ zoolander villain fiasco. Maybe it was all the late nights the exhaustive work in understanding the brain, even Greenspan let all the wheels come off of this country fiscally believing that the market will correct itself because he was a fan of Ayn Rand in college and refused to examine reality as is but let his beliefs cloud his facts. My first instinct when my phone was taken was disbelief, wanting to question my self in the hopes that I'm just over reacting, but then it was clear that it was an intentional act, even if it wasn't personal. Then it was anger. How dare they, I will seek Justice and locked my phone and sent a note that the police would be involved, but then my friend that makes good money reminded me if I want my phone back, you should offer a reward, HONEY! I had failed to see my own advice I had looked to justice for resolution, and this settles nothing. I have spent the day trying to understand being 19 unwanted and working crappy jobs and living like it will never end. Men lead lives of quiet desperation and it remains so as long as their is a girlfriend trailing along and providing comfort, but men gone untreated go on to indulge in violence - I wonder what the mother was like, how hard she worked was their breast feeding involved, what is the connection of beauty that dispels misery and so I think of the Venus flytrap a strange carnivorous flower that look cool enough to get up close but eliminates the fly. Do men need more time in the garden to soothe the soul to fill the heart the gentle laughter and love to soften the blow of endless obstacles. maybe a little more beach boys and a corona at the end of a long day. May Prisons be Rose Gardens may Colleges have Playgrounds may we have mandatory fresh air breaks. And may we ask the assholes in our lives the weaker or meaner or sadder people with bad hair and blotchy skin or perfect spray tans the freaks to the freaks and the quiet ones "hey i get it, sometimes it sucks but this too shall pass."

Fresh Ink, The art of Snowflake and the fragility of a handshake deal - Is this the time of your life?

AT some point you wonder when is the time of your life and consider the possibility that is now and that it might just keep getting better if only you stop worrying about it. Occasionally I slip into lucid daydreams where everything I want is instantly available to me, and I am reminded of how much it feels great to be loved by the most important opinion I need approval of and that would be my own. I have been snowballing my blessings recently with an infusion of wealth of options and some cash to back it up which makes me dream where is it I want to go when I can choose where I want to be. Not everyone feels their snowflakeness like me everyday and the usual ups and downs that go with that but as I get into this rhythm of gratitude I know that I love my life and who I am and only occasionally are reminded of the pangs of my smartypantsness when hit with the meeting of like minds that keep up a good jogging pace of ideas and emotional content, only to be slapped with a friendly handshake and a quick exit stage left. I often forget my own fragile nature as I see the incredible alternative of game changing slip into the shadows of the night only to see it is status quot and things are still logical for others. Perhaps we should Blair the Amelie soundtrack on the streets, and POst billboards of incredible feats of awesome romance and creative explosions in a world that just wants to be played in.I honor the suffering of billions but I will not suffer for the sake of suffering on the terms of the oppressors but I will spend each moment in a state of Rebellion as a spark of light and act Love.

Relative Absurdity, the blessing and a call to duty: leftcoasting

Has Paul Goodman changed my life?

Maybe maybe it is all a windfall as I'm being bathed in blessings that keep hammering out as frustrations, It is a question of money and starting over.... where to begin the begining of reprise. Am I refueled in my wake of Denver double down trauma and neglect and as the west comes knocking at my door with the glimmer of my previous work and the promise of peace and mutual respect and understanding, I was once honor bound to serve my east coast army of intellect, yet it is my body that welcomes the Sun and the ocean and the bursting color bands of joy and idealism the frantic push of dreams held by millions of the city of Angels and I find my self glamorized as well to discover myself as a woman again.

Still with a greater plan and a sense of urgency for the end of calendar the magnetic pulse of the crystal by which I was created, tonight I unfolded to a documentary on Paul Goodman a less known elder statesman writer philosopher that fueled the 60s and I was intrigued at how familiar it all sounded, an anarchist writer pacifist bi-sexual that was an intellectual by trade and was ensnarled by the question of where do we start and go from here? My cultural rehab is a rehashing of this open prayer to societal wounds and I beg to hear a reason, a conversation and I am pledging that I will not neglect you arts and spirit and culture, that I am ever your puppet to escape into 3d being and the will of my flesh is a figment of mastery as I heal sexually emotionally and mentally through the act of documentation and the experience of risk. I open the head and heart to a parade of musings for I have been away challenged and ashamed. Tonight I whisper the lullaby of loved for as I belong to nothing I am always at home in my heart.

Acquiescence to summer

It is the wild fire in my heart that designates Summer, like the puffy winds that blow a gentle afternoon rain or a deep languid hefty heat my pulse quickens on the easy stride of summer nights in Denver, the constant bop of good will folding itself into delicious engaging where every one is blatantly living a good and enjoyable life despite the lack of trappings that come with the dirty rich call of disrupt and the fame and power and wealth that precipitate it. Tonight I make headway as I return to river of stuff labeled a cherry creek, I awoke my inner lady, wanting to be resumed as connected to her heartbeat as urban babbler bewitcher Buddha, OH thank you night for being cool, for nooks to chatter in and den to leisure about I will savor each moment while I count the days till I return to more hectic driven times but in This moment I AM HERE TO GREET YOU, not as a broken record or a beacon but as a charm, loving this my mantra it is the time of our lives. NO Apology necessary.

Some like it very hot, Social Pollution and the State is on fire

Oh please please please bring me release from the combustible state of what I want. I mean just give what I want and I will be happy regardless f it doesn't make sense or it is beyond words or actions I promise I will do good. Wait what am I really talking about? OK so in real people terms I'm sorry about Syria and shocked at how many Christians are against Obamacare or any form of Universal Health Care? Is it not a fair bet that everyone will get sick or need care at some point in their lives and that even with insurance you are not guaranteed seeing your needs met as it is a profit based decision? Not to mention Jesus said something about compassion being what gets you in good graces and caring for your neighbor, how do these people even start to justify such a blatant disregard of their own said basic principles? My Uncle has a Oh Lord deliver Us from Obamacare bumper sticker and I am just astounded what God would not be down with creating a Universal Health Care system? Is their something more valuable than you health? How exactly do you pursue life liberty and happiness if you are sick? Anyway I realize that this is more brewing social pollution that I am giving in too, but really folks what improvements if we removed the "burden of benefits" from employers would they not be able to hire more, spend money on creating real incentive lifestyle programs, and raise the pay grade if they were not spending so much on basic benefit programs? And in speaking of American Jobs are people not outsourcing their health care by going to Mexico, Costa Rica and Thailand for dental care, and Canada for prescriptions? Can you imagine a world where everyone gets a mandatory 6 month dental cleaning for life? how many root canals would be performed then? Anyway it's really hot and when the hot seat is talking about how in debt we are, how we want more jobs, and pay less for social programs like art, libraries, parks, fireman, teachers, and health care, well I wonder if it is really hot because this is the hell which no one cares to understand that making sure that your neighbor is healthy can make you healthy too. Whew.... Lingerings in Love, I just saw this week with Marilyn and was illuminated with dance of sensuality as I attended a friends wedding this weekend. Yes they have been together for years and own a home and couture clothing business together but they spent money and time to celebrate and consecrate their union and I was witness to the luxury of love, and framing this with people drunk in the middle of the day feeling uncomfortably fancy and doing various forms of mating dances all through the night I wonder how it is that love is still all that anyone wants and the glow of sexy which Marilyn was so stylishly graced with emanating can come at such costs. I am reminded of the importance of remembering how to have warm and tender looks, to have riveting fountains of giggles and giving the people what they want.... stolen moments where it is just you and undivided attention. In summer when skin and desire are frolicking in the park and at the pool and in the oasis of shade and air conditioning remember that there is hope, hope to find cool and hope to find hot very very very hot. Cultural rehab the mix is taking a siesta this week but will be ready for the Fourth of July Extravaganza next week! Till then keep it shady. mwah.

Humpty Dumpty Needs a Faith Healer

The revival of the spirit is a fundamental process, on this weekend was littered with casual moments of spectacular awakenings as in summer the yearning to savor time and slow things down with the influx of priority to relax and enjoy and have fun crashed the gate of this years anguish by my releasing the old concepts of love and be open to blueprinting healthy interactions and real love in my life. I also went downtown to where I noticed an awkward mash up of Juneteenth, Pridefest, Comicon, and a Scientology Temple opening OH MY! Some how I found peace among the summer salad of peoples all coated in dressings, I even managed to sneak a double feature of Snow White and Rock Of Ages which was the screen version of the events unfolding outside. That night I took my mother to a faith healer and though I found myself uncomfortable and weary of all the Jesus talk, I reminded myself that I have been to Master Sha, and Matrix Energetics and now I am wheeling my mother up as she herself a deep believer and she herself has plenty of excuses why she can't be healed. She couldn't even tell the woman what she wanted (a new spine and ankle) really she needed a new attitude. I got a let's hang out from someone I had given up on just as I was in the midst of the revival- is it a sign? nah he is still the same old non-participating dude, but I did get a glimpse of active change. I went to pridefest the next day and did my thing of inspiring random strangers and giving them the boost they want to hear, would they change do they ever? Does it matter to have a stranger appear like a figment of your imagination and say be braver because you are beautiful, nowhere is this more appreciated than at pridefest. This week I started school that was teaching me to work with lasers it was an amazing sense of progress as I had a determined path, to feel like I had a goal and that I was finding a path towards freedom financially and hence emotionally was almost transcending and then came around of the big wall- the wall of have not. Most of my life has been a scotch tape job of being creative, and finding sustained opportunities to rise into stability and security, this week my cravings to become that independent girl was cracked again, I am reminded that it is just another moment to do what you can and not panic, but there may be a cupcake involved. SO here is the humble bumble: I'm shocked when it doesn't work out, it seems so obvious that things should come together better for my friends and family, that I am so broken when the sharp pangs of stupidity bleed on my plans to make an awesome life. but it is not over just post poned till when things might work again? nahhhhhh, that's BS there is no rest each moment is new and all the swimming fails I occasionally drown in well I somehow end up on a serene shore of hope. Well at least it's reliable.

Just Be Yourself and other Joys of the Obvious

Cultural Rehab Airs Today on post303radio.com it features a great interview with Adam Lerner as he talks about building cultural credit in Denver and Risk Reward for TEDxMileHigh, please check it out I am currently working on being able to download the podcast or listen beyond the 4pm MST. IT is coming lesson learned from not saving my shows at several locations as I might have lost the orginal cultural rehabs. (man full disclosure sucks) and inspite of my awkward fobbles into creating a show laptop limited, it is still the nature of pursuing the pleasure of ideas that keeps me going. Cultural Rehab is about being honest and the pursuit of clarity reviving the spirit and not trampling it. Yesterday I puckered in a haze of broken threads as I feel weary at times from all the trains I have been getting on and off of over the last 2 years and to be so close to where I started but yet my mind is stronger but am I a kinderler gentler version, does all this compassion through hummble physical and finnacial limitations beckon a greater glory? Is it silly to say I want more, when it is the fairy tale notions that has swallowed the reality of true romantic action? In life am I just as illusioned as a 30something single women now swimming in the grace of almost and should be? Today I watched a clip of the new Bethany program and Ellen the great giving her the advice to "just be yourself" I watched the conversation with Amanda De Cadanet and everyone always has this just be honest message - but really where is your honesty - how did these women get the privledge to give the message, on the back of slurping for corporate applause? I like who I am right up until I'm driving home and only then as I get to bed do I find an alternate notion that might have allowed me a life more risky. So is that me the lady that walks away with the status quo and a bucket of expectation of rules or is it me that I become alone in the dark driving home that is funnier and smarter and says let's make out. Cool new things: sperm whales have joints in their rib cages that allow them to collapse this is for the deep ocean diving and presure changes, men are hormonoly designed to sit on a couch and quietly watch tv it's how they refuel the testosterone tank, women however revive by reconnecting and communicating.... hunter and gather so maybe ladies and gents give a quick pardon to the "he's lazy selfish and boring" and "she is nagging, demanding and silly" and just realize the importance of how thousands of years plays out in your everyday. Perception builds a lot of emotional context, don't let it.

Billows of summer sounds an Epic Silence and the Cattle Call

Ahhhh Sadness my sweet teen wrestler, twisting and bumping into me staring me down only in moments do you pin me to a mat, and here I collapse into you with the brick and mortar progress of plan to be made and executed. How do I, compose the bigger arc in the weight of this fleeting breath, when a flip of a switch and a sit on the patio, a night on the town sweeps all memories aside, but this flicker will be captured tonight as I fold into my studio and reflect on my progress and the work that I love and the people I admire and the places I want and the experiences I crave. Summer the consumer of face. My mythic power of intention will all ways frequency back to the luxury of love the vitality of creative spark. But this gentle twist of longing is exposed and it will glimmer in the light and pass of sadness I love you, maybe even more than happy or your intoxicating friend passion. Tonight I crave a laugh under the sweat of desires to be more than myself, and loving little old me.

Fresh cuz it HAS to be.

Today is...... the option to do better don't believe me? well The long awaited interviews for TEDxMileHigh will be played on http://post303radio.com/ so you should check it out because it is certainly the time to start hearing something new.

Risk is all there is !

Well I feel better in Spring no doubt about it. And I keep this mantra in my head about risk and the importance of creating a walking meditation to the beat of taking chances and not holding back in life. Something feels more present in my life and in my head. Perhaps this experiment is working. In any case I made it through the deafing shield of very lean May and hope to come to better options in June and over the summer. I hope that after looking towards being uncomfortable for so long it has reminded me how little it helps to cling to whatever formal ideas and hopes you have and just stick with the underlying passions. That being said I came across the Conversation with Amanda de cadent

and found real conversations with succesful women just the boost I needed to remind myself that no matter what how rich famous or talented there is always a lot of work and worry and frustration with the reality you have designed. SO better hop on the I love my life train now and say eff what the haters say in your head and beyond. Since newsweek is going to celebrate a diamond Jubillee, and cnn can't stop with the serial killers, and flesh easting I am going to stick with my own story of what is good and it starts with planting flowers, doing dishes and enjoying lime a ritas. it's time to leap ladies and gents. And don't forget to do some lucid dreaming because the show is about to begin. SO sit back and get your seats for TEDxMilehigh and check out the interview here

LUSTER FIRE AND SPARKLE THE RISKS AND REWARDS OF LIFE AT THE EDGE

After a month of setting up I have come back to a place in time to reevaluate and rebuild what is most dense in purpose in my life.

Last year I left SF, I made sure to stick around for TEDxSF and I have come back with TEDxMileHigh, simply because I always find my grounding and inspirations from TED. After a year I took a risk, leaving SF with nothing but 2 bags and hope, I have made friends and broken me in more ways than I could imagine but I'm still me, less afraid of parks and the wilds of desert and trees and can finally find peace away from the comforts of conversation. On the show today we will explore with Dr. Natalie Baumgartner co-founder of roundpegg.com how taking the risk is vital and that there is more risk in not challenging yourself than in staying in a rut. Jeremy Bloom the founder of seniorwish.org Talks about what a wish impact study is and how it can change your life. And Woody Roseland speaks about surviving and thriving with comedy. My takeaway with this show and my mantra for the summer is it is riskier to not do anything than to try, it is 2012 and if not now when? Also I'm going to burningman, and I'm feeling pretty gambling oriented my home is in the heart and all my little moments are pretty great so eventually it will pile up to spectacular. SO to the beginning again!

It's raining Diamonds on Neptune

Shifting the paradigm is often faster than you think. It only takes a moment and then you are changed if you allow yourself to accept what is new and just go with it. This week I cleansed by taking some water that is meant to clean up your system and guess what? my body churned and burned and exiled past grievances from my diet.... it was not fun, but it was what I guess I had intentioned. The only surprise was that it worked so well. In other shift in perspective news Happy 4:20 I am thrilled to see the return of the physcadelic and the use of medical cannabis, since the War on Drugs is not really even possible and the black market that is created is far more dangerous, than teaching people to use recreationally and responsibly and quality control and the lack of taxabale income, or the use of hemp as an industrial product safer more effective than paper or cotton or corn oil, well I'm sure you know the facts and if you don't know well then here is a hint of the basics.

I also decided to not be as polarized by my exile in poverty in the country and tried, tried to enjoy the quiet grace of humble abode for a spell, also and this is my favorite is I created a safe word with my mother. I like most people have parental issues, usually in regards to boundaries and patterns of personality reflecting in the same conversations rehashed, she wants me to want something in the way that she wants something - over the years we have eroded certain subjects to the brink of complete barren but still the core problem is still there which is that we are fundamentally different in our approach to problems. And this week I was able to push a safe word to her... "Tulip" I lurched from the depths of my throat. And explained that this must be the end of this conversation because we are on a road to nowhere except abusing each others time and patience, and in my desperate cry out much like in the context of a normal "safe word" she stopped. And since then we get back to the desert I simply call out Tulip and she knows we are done. I feel that this success could be applied to all relationships by taking an objectified stance to a highly emotional state through a safe word is empowering me to engage back in the conversation because I no longer feel that it will just lead to the dessert of demands. The take away: respecting others does not serve unless you can respect your own needs.

Do catapillirs know they have this amazing future ahead of them?

Some days suck. Not for any good reason, if only you want more freedom to do more of exactly as you please. Your mind can beat you up with a lot "if onlys". This recovery process is so slow with the lack of connection between my able working and not working self can do. Being in the country with no fun money and wheels, well it leaves me with the option to read and write and blog and watch movies, is this really so bad? But it is lacking in glamour for sure. My confidence in the clarity of my skills gets questioned as I'm not snapped up with my extensive experience in everything. Yet it is a time for change so why would I be anxious to stand in line to join the party? Today I toured the 25 most awesome libraries of the world

thanks Flavorwire. kept flipping through my Atlas of Atlantis and discovered Mu, thought to be a mother culture to Egypt and the Maya and perhaps has these ancient texts that would serve as the basis for how the hieroglyphs of both cultures evolved out of nowhere.

And I felt a connection a deep long longing like there was a home there not just because snakes have been talking to me in my dreams for a while now, or that I dream of watery worlds or just know that there is something much older and wiser than what I am looking at in my day to day, I also picked up the revised copy of alchemy and the 9 dimensions and If I have not made it clear that it is very important reading for everyone. IT IS. I enjoyed the Daily show from last night which featured an economist Robert Relch talking at length about the sham this country is in and that it takes the will of the people to create the teeth to bite the corporate hand that feeds the pig. I made a veggie chili with soyrizo and had a slice of homemade chocolate cake with berry topping, my favorite. Last night I did the 1st show and caught up with 1st Class DJ and all around good chap William Wardlaw I still look for real jobs, feel guilty I'm not pumping gas or waiting tables but my health is really not there to do those obvious things perhaps I should be more comfortable with this time spent in a spiritually supported if not lucritive space. Eff it whose time table am I on besides the Universal to be more active. I have a new HOT THOUGHT

Time to begin!

Well I'm excited and nervous,

Today I begin the journey again, finding the relevance and guests and the voice to represent the frustrated and the hopeful, I keep this flame alive in my heart because I know that I can find love and dignity joy and passion, peace and compassion and Grace. This is going to be fun and each moment I will pledge to you that we will stay authentic build meaning and quest for the excellence in all of the guests and god times that lay ahead in the hard work that I pour into this project to stick with quality to be honest and open and bring you the awesome people stories and ideas that the flame is meant for. Let's do this! It's 2012 and the time has come. A little treat from yesterdays TED finds

:

News you can use!

With the return of the show next week I will be focusing on what the electronica movement in music as it is my love love love and that there is a Party I will be attending for the old sckoolers that were around in the 90s a classic rave is coming, hopefully with some interviews and we will explore the culture of rave and what it means now and how it evolved. In the meantime I also read 2 very interesting articles that I'd like to post as I'm sure I will mention them. One is stem cell break through with HIV and the other is a simple solution to birth control, namely mens non- hormonal cheap effective and reversabile birth control that is not being used in the US but is common practice in the 3rd world. I mention this as that I want to keep focusing on the news that is helpful that we as a civilization are actually interested in problem solving and that it is vital that this information is demanded to be know and used so that we stop ignoring the obligations of our problems and the expensive band-aids attached but move on to the lifestyle that is afforded when we are not spent chasing bad ideas into dark alleys to be robbed and beaten to an inch of a bleary life of disease and baby-mama drama. maybe if the GOP would get behind the Men's birth control there would be a lot more time spent campaigning on problems that they could fix.

Jazzzzzz Hands Cultural Rehab has a voice and a home AGAIN!

Wow so here is some news I can use! I am with a show again which is good because honestly this is something that gives me a feeling of place and purpose, So coming soon is Post303 radio willbe hosting me and I will get back to having a regularity of feed and fodder to rave and rile for. I'm going to delve into local music chatting with DJs producers, artists, writers, wellness experts, how do they find the sweet spot of inspiration and balance to being a Urban yogi, or do they. There will be an onslaught of ideas kicked around and opinions on finding coping and thriving as an artist and as a community.l Im so excitied I want to Shout.

Easter and my finding my spiritual job.

This week was my birthday

and with being the aries comes the imaculate timing of feeling refreshed and reflective while nature herself springs to life again. So as I start to shake away the gloom of a wary winter of sorrow and stigma of survival instead of thriving I was thwarting. After a big year of upheaval and healing and challenging myself in love and nature and physical endurance and literally crash landing in my home town to rehash and revive the well worn ways of Denver comforts and limitations. My age old Denver question yeah it's a great town but how do I get paid to live here and don't I want to play with big kids? My ambitions to be a coastal girl, I could get paid to do what I love. It's that simple. Or is it? In my birthday week I was unable to do my job or so I thought because my car broke down, and I had a mad men party that only my closest friends attended it was fun and intimate, I went dancing and was on the floor as they played classic hip hop, it was mostly white boys singing along and bouncing around trying to grind on the ladies it was a drunken bumble but it was happy enough. Brunch was on a patio overlooking the mountains and that felt more church like than any sermon I would have sat through to remind myself of rebirth. I watched the Passion of the Christ

and finally felt some connection to the story of Jesus, I have always appreciated his message of love and compassion, but to see him endure suffering at the demand of the public and the connection that a mother and child has gave me a sense of humbling to what my life's work is and should be about and why I am always at odds with what I am going to do with my day, and how do I wish to be rewarded for my actions and talents and if I even seek out to best use them. Does anyone? Is this what would heal the world? Nourishing my spiritual worker seems more and more a priority but in truth it has always been hungry, and never was satisfied by the usual fare. So back to the drawing board I go determined to keep carving at the things that bring me peace of mind and know that they will find a way to a peace with my wallet.

Time keeps on tickin tickin into the Future

Spring! new ideas, new horizons, new hopes and dreams. In 2012 there is a light and a sense of time as in NOW NOW NOW let's get r done.

SO yes can we start to make the changes in our own lives to be more activated in our own content. I wrote down things that make me happy, things that I want to happen and how to pray or ask for these things how to be grateful and in control of my attitude to not feel anxious and overwhelmed by all the many short comings of my self and the culture that is disappointing me. I wonder about why The Huger Games has such sway or john carter but ultimately it serves as a warning to not be passive in your life but to be activated and involved in your own outcome. I keep searching for my honesty to be fair but opportunist in saying I want something and really opening my mind to making it happen. Today I was shown 2 options with getting a car and in my assumption, I did not follow through with the kind of magnanimous demand of ownership that allowed me to get the thing I was surprised by as a real solution to my problem. The reality now is that I have what was an obvious band aid- but not a silver bullet. My point dear friends: grab it. I hear people talking of how everything is going to get fixed and wrongs will be righted all I know is that everyday is the chance to untangle this web of crap that has been spun by you and the powers that be it has been a tango of foilospohy. I'm over it. And so I return to the things I love. and the life I lead to care for the things I love to do and person I want to be. Getting older I guess.
New to read on my library list

Fallout for International Womens Day- Peace be with you Bitch. l

So as I ramp up out of the fogg of pain bruise and blow of ego.... and wildly face my birthday and question my desires needs accomplishments and as a women in her early 30s single smart and without any ties, in the midst of the tornado of womens rights being microscopted and kicked like a hacky sac on a college campus in the ring of politco. I wonder what culture should I look to for inspiration for a Independent women with a healthy role in sweetly spicy sexual equality. I was inflamed over the panel for contraception being all men, it seems that only religious men have a useful opinion on womens reproduction, or designing a ultra sound wand..... and Rush that glob of foolery, those were expectaed and obvious but, it was Daniel Pinchbeck that posted on his FB how he thought that women had become well here is the post "I find women entirely complicit in the corruption and degradation of our contemporary civilization. If they were to stop sharing their bodies and giving their energy to men who do nothing to uplift humanity or sustain the biosphere - or men who betray their word and commitments - the system would collapse in on itself in a heartbeat. I believe women have no moral high ground generally, though of course some individuals do. I would love to see a female uprising as in that Ancient Greek comedy where no favors would be distributed until men came to their senses, ended ways and behaved according to an ethical framework that would support the preservation of the earth and the elevation of humanity as a whole. Of course I won't hold my breath for this, but there you have it." I flew into a rage, wondering why this man would somehow feel that women using pussy power would be an answer to men being corrupted as if that was not the reason perhaps for the problem, like women don't get enough abuse in relationships with bad men, all these years and so many women have been silenced with rape and beaten and burnt and bleed, in western world how long has it been that women could wear pants, own land, vote, divorce for mistreatment, earn an equal wage, or be given a fair price, or treated respectfully in negotioations. And here was another "feminist guy" still pointing at greece and saying ladies you should be more responsible for the problems that men cause by just even standing next to them.

Is it not enough that a women does not get the luxury of love for the price of nmotherhood, that she is expected to do the job of five and never say " Eff you, I want more! or Bitch Please.... make your own dinner, buy your own detergent. Fill out your own paperwork. I have never heard of a women spending 10 hrs playing video games while unemployed. "if not a guy was involved". I see the mothers on the bus with the strollers, the girls strutting down the streets in gaggles in shorts to short or skirts to

tight or heels to high, I see the women in suits to square. And I feel like an orange..... zesty and bright and juicy but this is an apple world.... What is the American women doing? What is the celebration of women in all the other cultures? I want to take the guilt out of the equation. I want to own my joy and not have to apologize for my ambitions, and maybe instead of men being intimaded by a women that can be independent men can be impassioned by her. And as for the using pussy power to make a man play nice I think we should send him to burning man or a big cuddle fest because that is probablly what he was missing in his childhood that made him so mean and silly anyway. This summer at the tree I read this

and it was great.... a testimony to how many smart powerful ladies have spent most of their lives being passed over and hung out to dry....

So why does Daniel and really everyone go Greek when looking for a simpler better time.... women didn't have any power then - and today I watched a thing on Petra hosted by Spock. Women could own land in this once thriving city...

notice the flower of life symbol everywhere..... anyway I'm intrigued by this desert city that feels like it has a deeper story to tell..... I think that we should get better at being loving with eachother more so when we get off the path.

Leap Day how far can you jump?

My dear friend posted that today should be a 24 hours of bonus extra do what you like day. And this struck me as to remember how often we are found waiting for permission to get what you want. And so I countered that that is every day really, after all how funny was it when the Dowager Countess asked what a weekend was? So onward and upward to great adventures and some complexities in this strange and amazeserious holiday of extra opportunities to love what you do and to see things through to the clarity with in. You have places to go.......

This was terrific Being feisty and ALIVE and not saying your sorry!

Sometime ago I watched this and thought it was super duper great. It might still be on Netflix but who knew that Harlan Ellision was just as interesting as his characters. Be inspired to Revolt and say what you mean.

Last week at the Starz Center

2-16-12
I was invited to see this from a dear friend of mine that is big in this community. And with a gentle hand the films takes on the arc of becoming who you are meant to be in all the many roles in the various cultures. Eastern/Western father son and of course the pain of having someone so beloved unable to be that beloved to you. It was a sweet little film that plays a note in the heart of the struggle to find identy and greatness in the shadows of tradition and the values of non-ego. Make time to find a little piece of yourself in this film.

Ahoy Hoy 2012 - A year in Review and the Blueprints for 2012

2011 was an exercise in surrender or lack there of. I have blindly imploded my desires for love out of a drone like need to create a worthwhile presence of lasting meaning. This quest has always been the sub plot to all my needs and deeds and finally my health was my undoing as after being in a heart wrencthing and abusive relationship that was only achieved after fleeing my homeland for relief from the torment of lack of appreciation for my drive and ambition and me being in love with a man that I knew would make me unhappy because his first love would always be his work, I spent 6 years in the bay killing me softly. It is almost clockwork that once you are ready to leave you see the reason why you came near the door. San Francisco was finally starting to bloom and I was starting to wither, I had created so many lovely things but had no way to sustain them, and so I packed it all up and said I love you again to another amazing man that was in love with his work and not with me and away I went to Patagonia population 800. My ballon of a body was exhausted and my spirit was defeated as I assumed that I would survive? But would I or did I? After listening to Bjork and Thom Yorn I've seen it all. So many time on the train, I closed off and shut down. Preparing myself for the Dying I wanted or was doing. Even creating the rehab project was an effort to cure my own addiction to wanting to do something important by doing something important and me building a presence and forum only greatened the distance between me and the lovers I sought. I have denied myself being able to indulge in love in this time of war, and yet there is nothing that I proclaim as being more important. So here I am not able to face the big moment of telling someone that I want and lust for them because I know that we will not be happy and that I have a lot of things I have to do before I can committ to being splendid with someone, though I have always seen inspiration in the Eames

or the Newmans

collaborative partners and companions

I have never been good at power coupling, prefering white hot sensuality that is come and gone in an instant. And then there is the Tree an oasis in the desert to reform my ways of indulgence and medicating, or maybe it was a golden parachute that I had designed in my experiment in compassion to get so close to the edge of death to see if I could come back was this the only adventure left for me after always sticking around for the screenshot. Did I expect to be met by a crowd waiting to cheer me on, did I really not expect to meet anyone who was also taking such an extreme course in action. I think I did not prepare for the challenge of actual change and exactly how deep that is in the roots and how long it takes and what is to say of the upkeep. Here at cultural rehab I barely had time to check in and post my thoughts. Unable to reflect on reflecting as the sands of my nature were so deeply being extracted and all my discomfort was having to be realized in such a full frontal manner and I also didn't feel I was able to be truly honest as it could be read by those that were there and there was so much Drama and disconnect between medium and message that I thought it best to just breathe through it. SO to sum up the last six months of the year. An oasis is either self sustaining like that of Avalon Gardens which is meant to live and work there harmoniously and is a closed system like Apple (note I only spent the day so I'm sure it is also dramatic just over different things or not even then) The gardens houses families and does full scale farming and is a community extended spiritual family. The Tree is a spiritual retreat/ raw food destination for people with various health concerns to give a go to a holistic approach of healing instead of western medicine. Behind the scenes was volunteers or sevas that did 3 months tours of duty in exchange for room and board, most were there not out of need but out of love which in my opinion is vastly under appreciated by the staff. The housing or dorms was nothing short of third world, it was almost laughable that they charged a rate at all which was later waved. The Tree has a bare bones staff that is paid minimum wage with little growth opportunity, as there is always sevas on hand to do most of the heavy lifting. There is little care to being fairly compensated as the cafe privledges are regularly flaunted as being the benefit and the access to the temple and services, none of the programs mind you, just temple and hot tub and shabbat, it is expected to attend at least 3 services a week with bells on. There was an email firestorm that erupted over having a private event in conflict with a service. It was addressed in Temple about having comapssion for eachother the following day however I dare say compassion was not used in the emails that were public forum to all staff members. I personally did not read any of these but it was considered to be a black cloud from anyone's perspective. But I digress, even if you charge a premium price for a mediocre product, "rustic" accomadations, minimal food selections, I've seen more raw local organic at a salad bar at whole foods in SF that the profits and the spending didn't add up, that the staff was mistreated and berated and the constant emphasis on a no gossip policy was not practiced by way of living in a way that was gossip causing, and that most long standing employees were not happy with the day to day dis-organization, but had gotten comfortable. In wanting to improve the conditions I was met with the same old berating of my character and disaproval of being reimbursed for my expenses, being supported of my injuries and my ideas on overall improvements to the systems that were clearly broken and inefficent. Micro Management was often described as the solution to the tasks at hand and now as I wonder how I came even close to healing whatever part of me that was broken other than me finding the wornder of great people and a lovely time inspite of the Tree itself, I made no effort to fall into the spell of love as it was so clearly not a place to thrive in the long term.

It is with this that I face todays greatest lesson and my clear and constant challenge, how do you see the Long term and the big picture and make room for the intimacy that makes it worth while? My Uncle was a workaholic he had six kids and a beautiful wife that divorced him as soon as the kids were grown, he said to me that he was regretful that he did not spend more time with them because he was so busy providing for them.... Is this the cultural rehab that I am referring to? Elon Musk is inspirational and the go to when you think the good guys,

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Elon Musk
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He is the hero of one of my work-aholic amazing men friends (that I have always feared dating), PAYPAL, Tesla, Space X making tons of money building good things, he is 40 with 5 kids and works 100 hrs a week worth 2 billion and counting and has now a Starter wife where in an article in Marie Clare she talks about how demanding he was for perfection and how utterly lonely she was during the marriage and after her divorce in 6 weeks he was engaged to a 20s something gorgeous actress that he is now divorcing after a year. I had a well of feeling for someone I met at the Tree but did not act on them because of all the music in my head about what was ok and boundries, not feeling focused on my place and always wanting a certain reaction. I was used to control and rarely submitt and all this other stuff, so often I wait till it is later and in reflection that I even begin to experience what I really wanted to become of the experience. so how do you move forward knowing some part of you is asleep at the wheel because it is in protective mode. Well that is my big project know my cultural rehab has come down to this question, and if I find the answers or if I struggle with them I will keep searching because I want to love not the love that means dissapointment or that expects it or the love that means blind fairy tale with no acceptance of the daily effort and responsibility of courtship. As we begin to cross over to the most anticipated year in ages I am woeful of my lack of placement for the shift. But each day I find an inspiration to call myself the luckiest girl and hope I will be thoughtful enough to recognize and react to the oportunities of exposing love as pure, success as grand and mediocrity as vulgar.