A month of Sundays and Divine intervention a Shaman Story if you would believe me.

(This was a draft and as twists would have it something that will haunt me as my path twisted from this plan, but I wanted to post it anyway because that healing was amazhing and I should let it float out in the universal instead of sitting in a digital vault.) Well with a week and counting to Burning Man and to leap back to the otherside of the pool to swim in warmer waters as a preemptive strike to the bad weather burn of Winter and my health function concerns, I set up a date with a Shaman Lady that is an exorcist of the bad stuff. The things that have been nesting in my bones and body making me eat my pain, not speak my truth and generally sabatoge my living experience, some of which has been there maybe lifetimes, some of which I remembered as it had been shadowed away from my memory. But here is what is strange so if you think about Harry Potter and keeping pieces of souls what would be better than a living crystal? Am I getting into some awkward territory? Try living this. So several weeks ago my Uncle met this couple and I really felt that they had more to do with me than with him, he of course could never imagine such a notion, but Linda and I kept looking at each other, and just found an easy conversational space for some of the most esoteric of subjects. And then I took the dog for a walk down a different street and basiclly walked right up the house they have been remodeling. It was then she mentioned that she did healing work, Indeed I needed healin-

In bed with Beethoven and the illusion of recovery

It is with a broken heart and a twisted wreck of a fighter body that I type these mental etchings into the vast stratosphere pleading my case to the sands of time and the winds of fate. On route to Burning Man and my new exciting fearless life of creative freedom and epic sunsets on the beach and perhaps that true love I've been working up the worth for, well I got bitch slapped right on the ass by a big white truck and I have been derailed back to Denver where there never ceases to be things to get nested in but also the neon glow of Denver has now been turned a fluorescent, And as I lie in bed finally with a day simply to catch my bones before they drop right off, I found the documentary of Beethoven now I am really not trying to say that my prattles and vaguely ingenious insights into the minds and hearts of a crumbling civilization are hardly worthy comparison to the greatest composer of all time, but it brought me comfort that he too.... struggled with health troubles that held him back and he turned out to be the best, in fact maybe it made him the best because his struggles pushed him. I fold in. And yet the only thing I had the strength to do was to find a room in a home of ladies on the brink of breakdown. I have unpacked found a job which I promptly quit today, baring the pain of the body and the mind numbing "work" it seems I am a snob even when crumpled like a rejected paper airplane I still demand purpose. It was cultural rehab that has 1st installed an active voice. A haven for the weary and maybe the fiery that want to do more in the parameters. Not everyone can be so brutally punished with frustrations as Beethoven to be in the shadow of a prodigy yet discover your own talents swell to such immortal proportions only to be constantly ripped apart by deaf ears and weak bowels. To never have the comfort of lasting love and the solace of companionship. Yes today I snuggled with the inner muse that must face that my game plan and time line have once again felt altered. But unlike last year, when I I braced my neck and clung to ropes, I have learned that I will swing again. That my spirit will not splinter under the task of another rebuild but that it will bend and mold itself and that I have only one task and that is to make. I am a lover and laughter and a doer in life and no truck can ram that out of me.
So 2012 I do beg your indulgence and my hail mary pass but we will get there.

a prize for itching the scratch

It turns out it has been a long time. Settling the accounts of hometown wounds, exploring the champagne problems of living lightly with a little money to burn and more money to steer my boat where I want to go, not just where I have to. It is, in fact no less irritating than having no options. But this does not mean I am not infinitely grateful for the spill in my lap, but that strange American? Dream that all things get fixed at some point, and "then I will be done" is a no show. All Hail the adaptability of the Human to still live and interact and to want and desire and be unhappy. My flesh, my waking life, my love to love it is all bubbling to surface, my meditative trance of survival is dissipating into happy little clouds. And now the fierce visionary women I claim as i unpacked the sparkled trunks of a lifetime surrendered to storage years ago have come to rain in my spain. And I believe I can dance all night again.

Boomzilla and the art of automagically.

At some point permission is granted. YES I CAN.  My life is unfolding as I design it because I want to do things and represent and dream the impossible dram of art and love and making my life my own again. Somewhere  started to find rules. To trust in the take away. The prize of rehab from a mad mad world. I have never related to but how found the amusement (bewildering) nature of an unnatural craft of careless trumpeting in the streets of bloody strife and struggle. Right now there are children in process of breaking their dreams or realizing them as they hone and flash moments of solid perfection in feats of pure technical achievement. I watched a tiny girl twist and float through the air as only a child could do. She smiles as she sticks the landing she was perfect. I am not perfect but yet i still have a waking dream of perfection, it spills into what is me as a lifestyle, a relationship, work, friends, a night out, and deserved night in, my family and my sense of legacy and even the retort of a cultural movement I am creating for the paper ghost of purrrrrfect? i/ once sat in a seat and struck up a stranger with my ideas and my projects, i took his picture and he he asked me where  i could buy my stuff or something like that, i didn't have an answer and he shook his head, what a shame i wasn't prepared. My heart broke and i felt a cave of time crush my skull, he told me that all things should be effortless. I hang my head and as would be Olympians push deeper into breath taking feats of competition, I swoon to the mystic call of effortless grateful for any glimpse of being the luckiest girl AKA automagically.

Moral Outrage a lesson in Compassion from the Venus Flytrap AKA Oooops misplaced my anger again sorry folks

Wow what a week! I'm feelin a little blown out by the Retrograde of Mercury and a little undazzled by the spectacle of madness that dares me to peek at the American wounds of entertainment and the nature of misplacing anger. Life's rich pageant took a dark turn last week as a bizarrely well choreographed tragedy occurred in Aurora my former early teen stomping grounds. It seems that another isolated young man choose to arm himself and open fire at a movie theatre that was playing the midnight showing of the final Batman. 12 were killed many injured. Like Columbine I know someone that was related to a victim, it does not qualify me of anything but I did burst to tears when I read the reactions of angered friends of friends that wanted to call to arms more citizens- when will more men with guns help? In Britain 13 deaths for the year by guns because they are not carried by anyone cops, robbers and their is no worry to go to a show or campus. Video games are designed with no thought to collateral damage I refuse to believe that pretending to play shoot em up for countless hours does not desensitize the concept of shoot to kill.  It feels close again the bafflement, I can't imagine the sorrow of the families but as I felt with Columbine this is very much a larger conversation and a much deeper wound that needs to be healed. I don't really want to focus on victims or their families in the media the pain is usually channeled to creating champions for cause to cure..... a heavy price for finding your voice, or even the sad guy that caused this pain. The day of, I was walking around in a daze reminded of how alien the life and times of American is to me: a young man in lime green raver fetish jeans and a fish net shirt long dyed messy hair and a leather Bat mask with pointy ears and his friend-girl walking slightly distant stared me down crossing towards the Subway - waiting/ begging for me to be shocked.  Suicide Girls in hand made Undies were beckoning the Santa Fe art crowd t come in and buy some arts crafts clothes, there were cupcakes and booze and everyone was attractive I guess that's ok as long as it was to buy stuff not sex, a black bus filled with party boys yelled out the window for the girls to join them..... Why was this not moral outrage/ women exploited to sell goods but not services was clearly off the menu? My friends invited me to a family picnic in Wyoming not convenient for a reunion but more of a,  will you come to the mountain for us gesture. It did cost me 100 for a new muffler, should I bill them or my friend for the lousy guidance as backed out of the mountain. Eh money Flows, I did get to experience the majesty of Hummingbirds what the ancients did before you tube, and sticking my feet in a creek and remembering my dear Friend Zak killed by a drunk driver 8 years ago, we sat at a kitchen table in the cabin in the woods as he brought me out of a long night of feeling awkward(miss you hoodlum savant Denver nights lost a glow with you gone) The 19 year old kid that was sleeping at my moms house for the wayward was caught trying to steal from a roommate, only to minutes later break into my car and leave the wallet but take my phone - the wallet had cash the phone was priceless. In the days that followed of my friends on FB being outraged or angry that their sacred place of refuge from the mad mad world was terrorized (at the Batman premier during a gun scene- really? 160 million in a weekend? really? Don't get me wrong I Love Batman in fact I drove a batmobile but look at the story here, Batman was created out of senseless violence and the loss of his parents. Dexter is a serial killer crafted from drug dealer parents and a detective Dad who serves as trainer to be undetected assuming him to be a monster and what does he kill? other monsters? I am reminded of a Chris Rock I am curious how a student affords 20,000 in guns and ammo and fancy explosives? I could barely afford the movie ticket as a student. How did he even get into the theatre those are one way doors right? I am never really discounting of a Manchurian candidate/ zoolander villain fiasco. Maybe it was all the late nights the exhaustive work in understanding the brain, even Greenspan let all the wheels come off of this country fiscally believing that the market will correct itself because he was a fan of Ayn Rand in college and refused to examine reality as is but let his beliefs cloud his facts. My first instinct when my phone was taken was disbelief, wanting to question my self in the hopes that I'm just over reacting, but then it was clear that it was an intentional act, even if it wasn't personal. Then it was anger. How dare they, I will seek Justice and locked my phone and sent a note that the police would be involved, but then my friend that makes good money reminded me if I want my phone back, you should offer a reward, HONEY! I had failed to see my own advice I had looked to justice for resolution, and this settles nothing. I have spent the day trying to understand being 19 unwanted and working crappy jobs and living like it will never end. Men lead lives of quiet desperation and it remains so as long as their is a girlfriend trailing along and providing comfort, but men gone untreated go on to indulge in violence - I wonder what the mother was like, how hard she worked was their breast feeding involved, what is the connection of beauty that dispels misery and so I think of the Venus flytrap a strange carnivorous flower that look cool enough to get up close but eliminates the fly. Do men need more time in the garden to soothe the soul to fill the heart the gentle laughter and love to soften the blow of endless obstacles. maybe a little more beach boys and a corona at the end of a long day. May Prisons be Rose Gardens may Colleges have Playgrounds may we have mandatory fresh air breaks. And may we ask the assholes in our lives the weaker or meaner or sadder people with bad hair and blotchy skin or perfect spray tans the freaks to the freaks and the quiet ones "hey i get it, sometimes it sucks but this too shall pass."

Fresh Ink, The art of Snowflake and the fragility of a handshake deal - Is this the time of your life?

AT some point you wonder when is the time of your life and consider the possibility that is now and that it might just keep getting better if only you stop worrying about it. Occasionally I slip into lucid daydreams where everything I want is instantly available to me, and I am reminded of how much it feels great to be loved by the most important opinion I need approval of and that would be my own. I have been snowballing my blessings recently with an infusion of wealth of options and some cash to back it up which makes me dream where is it I want to go when I can choose where I want to be. Not everyone feels their snowflakeness like me everyday and the usual ups and downs that go with that but as I get into this rhythm of gratitude I know that I love my life and who I am and only occasionally are reminded of the pangs of my smartypantsness when hit with the meeting of like minds that keep up a good jogging pace of ideas and emotional content, only to be slapped with a friendly handshake and a quick exit stage left. I often forget my own fragile nature as I see the incredible alternative of game changing slip into the shadows of the night only to see it is status quot and things are still logical for others. Perhaps we should Blair the Amelie soundtrack on the streets, and POst billboards of incredible feats of awesome romance and creative explosions in a world that just wants to be played in.I honor the suffering of billions but I will not suffer for the sake of suffering on the terms of the oppressors but I will spend each moment in a state of Rebellion as a spark of light and act Love.

Relative Absurdity, the blessing and a call to duty: leftcoasting

Has Paul Goodman changed my life?

Maybe maybe it is all a windfall as I'm being bathed in blessings that keep hammering out as frustrations, It is a question of money and starting over.... where to begin the begining of reprise. Am I refueled in my wake of Denver double down trauma and neglect and as the west comes knocking at my door with the glimmer of my previous work and the promise of peace and mutual respect and understanding, I was once honor bound to serve my east coast army of intellect, yet it is my body that welcomes the Sun and the ocean and the bursting color bands of joy and idealism the frantic push of dreams held by millions of the city of Angels and I find my self glamorized as well to discover myself as a woman again.

Still with a greater plan and a sense of urgency for the end of calendar the magnetic pulse of the crystal by which I was created, tonight I unfolded to a documentary on Paul Goodman a less known elder statesman writer philosopher that fueled the 60s and I was intrigued at how familiar it all sounded, an anarchist writer pacifist bi-sexual that was an intellectual by trade and was ensnarled by the question of where do we start and go from here? My cultural rehab is a rehashing of this open prayer to societal wounds and I beg to hear a reason, a conversation and I am pledging that I will not neglect you arts and spirit and culture, that I am ever your puppet to escape into 3d being and the will of my flesh is a figment of mastery as I heal sexually emotionally and mentally through the act of documentation and the experience of risk. I open the head and heart to a parade of musings for I have been away challenged and ashamed. Tonight I whisper the lullaby of loved for as I belong to nothing I am always at home in my heart.

Acquiescence to summer

It is the wild fire in my heart that designates Summer, like the puffy winds that blow a gentle afternoon rain or a deep languid hefty heat my pulse quickens on the easy stride of summer nights in Denver, the constant bop of good will folding itself into delicious engaging where every one is blatantly living a good and enjoyable life despite the lack of trappings that come with the dirty rich call of disrupt and the fame and power and wealth that precipitate it. Tonight I make headway as I return to river of stuff labeled a cherry creek, I awoke my inner lady, wanting to be resumed as connected to her heartbeat as urban babbler bewitcher Buddha, OH thank you night for being cool, for nooks to chatter in and den to leisure about I will savor each moment while I count the days till I return to more hectic driven times but in This moment I AM HERE TO GREET YOU, not as a broken record or a beacon but as a charm, loving this my mantra it is the time of our lives. NO Apology necessary.

Some like it very hot, Social Pollution and the State is on fire

Oh please please please bring me release from the combustible state of what I want. I mean just give what I want and I will be happy regardless f it doesn't make sense or it is beyond words or actions I promise I will do good. Wait what am I really talking about? OK so in real people terms I'm sorry about Syria and shocked at how many Christians are against Obamacare or any form of Universal Health Care? Is it not a fair bet that everyone will get sick or need care at some point in their lives and that even with insurance you are not guaranteed seeing your needs met as it is a profit based decision? Not to mention Jesus said something about compassion being what gets you in good graces and caring for your neighbor, how do these people even start to justify such a blatant disregard of their own said basic principles? My Uncle has a Oh Lord deliver Us from Obamacare bumper sticker and I am just astounded what God would not be down with creating a Universal Health Care system? Is their something more valuable than you health? How exactly do you pursue life liberty and happiness if you are sick? Anyway I realize that this is more brewing social pollution that I am giving in too, but really folks what improvements if we removed the "burden of benefits" from employers would they not be able to hire more, spend money on creating real incentive lifestyle programs, and raise the pay grade if they were not spending so much on basic benefit programs? And in speaking of American Jobs are people not outsourcing their health care by going to Mexico, Costa Rica and Thailand for dental care, and Canada for prescriptions? Can you imagine a world where everyone gets a mandatory 6 month dental cleaning for life? how many root canals would be performed then? Anyway it's really hot and when the hot seat is talking about how in debt we are, how we want more jobs, and pay less for social programs like art, libraries, parks, fireman, teachers, and health care, well I wonder if it is really hot because this is the hell which no one cares to understand that making sure that your neighbor is healthy can make you healthy too. Whew.... Lingerings in Love, I just saw this week with Marilyn and was illuminated with dance of sensuality as I attended a friends wedding this weekend. Yes they have been together for years and own a home and couture clothing business together but they spent money and time to celebrate and consecrate their union and I was witness to the luxury of love, and framing this with people drunk in the middle of the day feeling uncomfortably fancy and doing various forms of mating dances all through the night I wonder how it is that love is still all that anyone wants and the glow of sexy which Marilyn was so stylishly graced with emanating can come at such costs. I am reminded of the importance of remembering how to have warm and tender looks, to have riveting fountains of giggles and giving the people what they want.... stolen moments where it is just you and undivided attention. In summer when skin and desire are frolicking in the park and at the pool and in the oasis of shade and air conditioning remember that there is hope, hope to find cool and hope to find hot very very very hot. Cultural rehab the mix is taking a siesta this week but will be ready for the Fourth of July Extravaganza next week! Till then keep it shady. mwah.

Humpty Dumpty Needs a Faith Healer

The revival of the spirit is a fundamental process, on this weekend was littered with casual moments of spectacular awakenings as in summer the yearning to savor time and slow things down with the influx of priority to relax and enjoy and have fun crashed the gate of this years anguish by my releasing the old concepts of love and be open to blueprinting healthy interactions and real love in my life. I also went downtown to where I noticed an awkward mash up of Juneteenth, Pridefest, Comicon, and a Scientology Temple opening OH MY! Some how I found peace among the summer salad of peoples all coated in dressings, I even managed to sneak a double feature of Snow White and Rock Of Ages which was the screen version of the events unfolding outside. That night I took my mother to a faith healer and though I found myself uncomfortable and weary of all the Jesus talk, I reminded myself that I have been to Master Sha, and Matrix Energetics and now I am wheeling my mother up as she herself a deep believer and she herself has plenty of excuses why she can't be healed. She couldn't even tell the woman what she wanted (a new spine and ankle) really she needed a new attitude. I got a let's hang out from someone I had given up on just as I was in the midst of the revival- is it a sign? nah he is still the same old non-participating dude, but I did get a glimpse of active change. I went to pridefest the next day and did my thing of inspiring random strangers and giving them the boost they want to hear, would they change do they ever? Does it matter to have a stranger appear like a figment of your imagination and say be braver because you are beautiful, nowhere is this more appreciated than at pridefest. This week I started school that was teaching me to work with lasers it was an amazing sense of progress as I had a determined path, to feel like I had a goal and that I was finding a path towards freedom financially and hence emotionally was almost transcending and then came around of the big wall- the wall of have not. Most of my life has been a scotch tape job of being creative, and finding sustained opportunities to rise into stability and security, this week my cravings to become that independent girl was cracked again, I am reminded that it is just another moment to do what you can and not panic, but there may be a cupcake involved. SO here is the humble bumble: I'm shocked when it doesn't work out, it seems so obvious that things should come together better for my friends and family, that I am so broken when the sharp pangs of stupidity bleed on my plans to make an awesome life. but it is not over just post poned till when things might work again? nahhhhhh, that's BS there is no rest each moment is new and all the swimming fails I occasionally drown in well I somehow end up on a serene shore of hope. Well at least it's reliable.