Ahoy Hoy 2012 - A year in Review and the Blueprints for 2012

2011 was an exercise in surrender or lack there of. I have blindly imploded my desires for love out of a drone like need to create a worthwhile presence of lasting meaning. This quest has always been the sub plot to all my needs and deeds and finally my health was my undoing as after being in a heart wrencthing and abusive relationship that was only achieved after fleeing my homeland for relief from the torment of lack of appreciation for my drive and ambition and me being in love with a man that I knew would make me unhappy because his first love would always be his work, I spent 6 years in the bay killing me softly. It is almost clockwork that once you are ready to leave you see the reason why you came near the door. San Francisco was finally starting to bloom and I was starting to wither, I had created so many lovely things but had no way to sustain them, and so I packed it all up and said I love you again to another amazing man that was in love with his work and not with me and away I went to Patagonia population 800. My ballon of a body was exhausted and my spirit was defeated as I assumed that I would survive? But would I or did I? After listening to Bjork and Thom Yorn I've seen it all. So many time on the train, I closed off and shut down. Preparing myself for the Dying I wanted or was doing. Even creating the rehab project was an effort to cure my own addiction to wanting to do something important by doing something important and me building a presence and forum only greatened the distance between me and the lovers I sought. I have denied myself being able to indulge in love in this time of war, and yet there is nothing that I proclaim as being more important. So here I am not able to face the big moment of telling someone that I want and lust for them because I know that we will not be happy and that I have a lot of things I have to do before I can committ to being splendid with someone, though I have always seen inspiration in the Eames

or the Newmans

collaborative partners and companions

I have never been good at power coupling, prefering white hot sensuality that is come and gone in an instant. And then there is the Tree an oasis in the desert to reform my ways of indulgence and medicating, or maybe it was a golden parachute that I had designed in my experiment in compassion to get so close to the edge of death to see if I could come back was this the only adventure left for me after always sticking around for the screenshot. Did I expect to be met by a crowd waiting to cheer me on, did I really not expect to meet anyone who was also taking such an extreme course in action. I think I did not prepare for the challenge of actual change and exactly how deep that is in the roots and how long it takes and what is to say of the upkeep. Here at cultural rehab I barely had time to check in and post my thoughts. Unable to reflect on reflecting as the sands of my nature were so deeply being extracted and all my discomfort was having to be realized in such a full frontal manner and I also didn't feel I was able to be truly honest as it could be read by those that were there and there was so much Drama and disconnect between medium and message that I thought it best to just breathe through it. SO to sum up the last six months of the year. An oasis is either self sustaining like that of Avalon Gardens which is meant to live and work there harmoniously and is a closed system like Apple (note I only spent the day so I'm sure it is also dramatic just over different things or not even then) The gardens houses families and does full scale farming and is a community extended spiritual family. The Tree is a spiritual retreat/ raw food destination for people with various health concerns to give a go to a holistic approach of healing instead of western medicine. Behind the scenes was volunteers or sevas that did 3 months tours of duty in exchange for room and board, most were there not out of need but out of love which in my opinion is vastly under appreciated by the staff. The housing or dorms was nothing short of third world, it was almost laughable that they charged a rate at all which was later waved. The Tree has a bare bones staff that is paid minimum wage with little growth opportunity, as there is always sevas on hand to do most of the heavy lifting. There is little care to being fairly compensated as the cafe privledges are regularly flaunted as being the benefit and the access to the temple and services, none of the programs mind you, just temple and hot tub and shabbat, it is expected to attend at least 3 services a week with bells on. There was an email firestorm that erupted over having a private event in conflict with a service. It was addressed in Temple about having comapssion for eachother the following day however I dare say compassion was not used in the emails that were public forum to all staff members. I personally did not read any of these but it was considered to be a black cloud from anyone's perspective. But I digress, even if you charge a premium price for a mediocre product, "rustic" accomadations, minimal food selections, I've seen more raw local organic at a salad bar at whole foods in SF that the profits and the spending didn't add up, that the staff was mistreated and berated and the constant emphasis on a no gossip policy was not practiced by way of living in a way that was gossip causing, and that most long standing employees were not happy with the day to day dis-organization, but had gotten comfortable. In wanting to improve the conditions I was met with the same old berating of my character and disaproval of being reimbursed for my expenses, being supported of my injuries and my ideas on overall improvements to the systems that were clearly broken and inefficent. Micro Management was often described as the solution to the tasks at hand and now as I wonder how I came even close to healing whatever part of me that was broken other than me finding the wornder of great people and a lovely time inspite of the Tree itself, I made no effort to fall into the spell of love as it was so clearly not a place to thrive in the long term.

It is with this that I face todays greatest lesson and my clear and constant challenge, how do you see the Long term and the big picture and make room for the intimacy that makes it worth while? My Uncle was a workaholic he had six kids and a beautiful wife that divorced him as soon as the kids were grown, he said to me that he was regretful that he did not spend more time with them because he was so busy providing for them.... Is this the cultural rehab that I am referring to? Elon Musk is inspirational and the go to when you think the good guys,

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He is the hero of one of my work-aholic amazing men friends (that I have always feared dating), PAYPAL, Tesla, Space X making tons of money building good things, he is 40 with 5 kids and works 100 hrs a week worth 2 billion and counting and has now a Starter wife where in an article in Marie Clare she talks about how demanding he was for perfection and how utterly lonely she was during the marriage and after her divorce in 6 weeks he was engaged to a 20s something gorgeous actress that he is now divorcing after a year. I had a well of feeling for someone I met at the Tree but did not act on them because of all the music in my head about what was ok and boundries, not feeling focused on my place and always wanting a certain reaction. I was used to control and rarely submitt and all this other stuff, so often I wait till it is later and in reflection that I even begin to experience what I really wanted to become of the experience. so how do you move forward knowing some part of you is asleep at the wheel because it is in protective mode. Well that is my big project know my cultural rehab has come down to this question, and if I find the answers or if I struggle with them I will keep searching because I want to love not the love that means dissapointment or that expects it or the love that means blind fairy tale with no acceptance of the daily effort and responsibility of courtship. As we begin to cross over to the most anticipated year in ages I am woeful of my lack of placement for the shift. But each day I find an inspiration to call myself the luckiest girl and hope I will be thoughtful enough to recognize and react to the oportunities of exposing love as pure, success as grand and mediocrity as vulgar.

boom

Falling out of a tree while falling in Love, really... how does that work you ask? well it ends with being in a lot of pain in denver, my home town where I have the strange brew of reflecting on not just what i came from in SF and the cultural signifigance of being in an altered state of reference after all SF is really the choir. But to go into the Lions Den, where everything is rather postcard, where people are happy, well contented.... this seems to be referring back to the deepest struggle that cultural rehab is. Comfort. At the Tree there was very little comfort, the food was good nutrious but the feeling was about healing the utter lack of joy, passion and sensuality seemed foreign to me, why would God be so serious? If all is god than I am going to unfold in gratitude and make it a sexy beat or penetrating tune. My time there was ultimately the unraveling of the external desires to discover that all I really wanted was to be loved to find sacred sharing relationships and to be able to find strength in my daily practice of honoring my needs without squashing my desires and learning how to evaluate my desires based on real or illusional that were created and obligatory from outsiders wishing to control their own lives a little more. Did I walk away in complete surrender to love, much like in most meditation there were moments of yes I am bliss and I am learning how to have faith in something that is the epic beyond my complete control and it turns out it is an US. Yes I can get through anything, yes I believe in me, but know with love the next level is I believe in WE. So Yeah I have a great story to tell that I fell out of the tree, er hot tub but I wish it had just been the very classic story of I fell in love, which I did. And now I sit waiting to repair a new streach of crystalestate so that I might be able to take my skills and joy and sensuality and networking and all the groundwork and dreams and abundance and start to really put it all together.

Giving thanks, and the 5th round activating your vibrational context

Wowsers or more fully and completely, The wow of now. which may be the working title of the next show as I feel that I am not recovered from rehab but I am in fact now aware of my addictions only to learn that the context of hummanity in relations to "American" might know it. So I have been at the Tree and here we are removed from television and "culture" we talk about health and spirit and creating higher vibration and maybe some of us get there maybe I am getting there with my yoga and my daily trips up the messa trail and my tea and green juice and showing up for temple and services and being at the cafe and not watching TV and not wearing as much make up and doing more sweats not needing money and really only having the agenda of eating well and listening to my body. These are luxurious things that most people would not spend an hour on each day let alone let it fill up there days for 6months. However, the nature of being able to look at your deeper emotional stuff and looking at your ego, how interpersonal relationships flare or spark what is the proper way to give and recieve your gift of service and the contribution that you have to a collective to a leader or a visionary, leads you to ask yourslef what is your source code. if you can show up for the labarinth do you have the faith to trust that you will find exactly what you came to find what if it is exactly as magical as it could be. Here I am starting to feeling like I have a footing and now I find that it is time for me to move forward and prove to myself that not only am I able to learn new tricks but that I can use them when not in a state of solation because anyone can be perfect if you live sheltered but can you stuill find time to make smoothies and have the same emphasis on nutrition and physical endurance if you have friends and obligations of earning money and finding love and success. What if these things are no longer in conflict as they do not feel that way any more. what if your fear has melted away in a blissgasm of heat in the inipi or in the awkward exchange of finally admitting that being cool is not so helpful when you are cool alone with your pride than vulnerable and feeling cherished with friends or would be compaions.

SO this is a lot of process and I'm just going to start owning that I can not edit my head for right now because sensoring myself is not the act of practicing worthiness of actually being safe. whoa. OK so it begins the rest and best of the polishing up of crystal

A light festival and the inner spark. (When to whirl your diverish)

Last night I was in a glorious little haven called Govinda's, it had a coi pond and was a krishna temple and they celebrated and danced and had marvelous food, some of which was totally not good for me and I was reminded why I am here to begin with. My journey in life has been to find the balance of extremes and I struggle regularly from having a very indulgent and wacky childhood, and yet it being very spiritual and now I find myself in a spiritual situations and feeling like I have come to a place of peace in my self but does that mean that I belong in community or that I am more comfortable as a beacon? I have lived as a monk for over 4 months now, and I find that as I am motivated to continue with my healing of all my wounds and share in the process with those of a similar path I am also amazed at how lack of consideration for the ordinary becomes so blaring in my ear. Today was another day after the Festival of light. The candles are blown out and the floor is swept and all things return but there was a moment where there was the blessing and we all held space for grace. And the divine maybe reaches out and touches you. Beyond your own frustrations and your falls there is just you and your daily practice...... do you eat well, do you take your body on a strea

ch, do you whistle while you work, do you smile like you mean it? Sure I sparkled at the festival of lights but I think that was the spark from with in and that is the eternal flame.

Ahoy Hoy where does the time go in a tiny town with nothing to do?

Seriously is it the end of October? Well I have celebrated my 4th month at the Tree here in Patagonia and it comes with more questions and even deeper resolutions. The power of companionship has been a big theme in my second round here, not only have I switched room but I have made a quality friend that is beyond my usual range and we are roomie and it is great to have some confidant and a golden girl that shares a similar view, about taking things in the more 80/20 direction, it make me nervous to accept something completely and not see it's faults and all. And I am starting to get more entwinded with what I want to do here and also I am feeling freerer to go and do what I am meant to. Of course the question is since I am getting better, and well there is a station here well then why do I want to leave. Companionship the same thing that links us all back to life ever unfolding is not what we would fight for but what we would live for which is love. I find that my creative expression gets focused on the wooing and my powers of making stuff go into making woo scenarios rather than developing battle anthems, it has never been truer than to simply say are you a lover or a fighter? Can you be both? I am finally going to make it on KPUP radio which is all I ever wanted to do since I first laid eyes on this little southern exposure town. I will post it as soon as I get my hot little hands on it. What else I love a great despacho ceremony and i finally did an enipi- native american sweat lodge. I've been feelin my roots more and not freaking out by the nature that I am a part of not inspite of. Can you Imagine.... Me? Well anyway I'm making progress on my health and every day I look for more challenge. Today I took the Mesa Trail. Next week who knows but I just keep at it and need to remember that even when I think that there is no more that there is something beyond, and that is the fabric of truth and worthiness when you are ready you do what is needed to be done and then you have what you need for the task at hand. Miracles are all around us as we are more and more open to the portal of Universal Expansion. So dream, dream big and be really honest doing it. You haven't the time to waste and why would you. you are your own obligations and rules and experiences. Whether you create conflict or have to much on your plate in order to feel more important you create the life you lead and I hope for everyone that they stop living out of their head and start living in their heart. I mean me of course but this seems to be a big "overcome" So here I go letting go again. deep breathe inhale exhale repeat.

Remembering - what is what 9/11/11

As this weekend Laboured on with a reflection on the wound of our collective conscious that was 9/11 - how it has changed the very nature of our interactions and global community and my own personal journey to and away from my place in New York, It was also Grandparents Day! And it was then that I reflected on the importance of our ancestral and our family experience rather than the lies and the haves and have nots. This weekend I was taking a drive through the country and surrounded by some lovely people all trying to heal and to activated to a higher level of living in a dessert oasis that has some extrasensory en-lightning. I have been working on heavy dream work and meditation and as I was bouncing into town I took notice of my trip to Wall mart and how this is the norm as opposed to the small independent organic grocer of Red Mountain, I ponder what kinds of jobs and lives do we as a civilization are creating for the "Wall Mart Crowd" Ten years ago I was just starting to get my sea legs back from my 1st Burningman, I was 21 and I wanted to be a voice for my generation, but in the activation of a hate cycle I could not bear to speak with the poison that drowning my country - all that could have been must now released and forgiven it is time to let the poison go. And just be with joy with laughter and with the freedom to not be miserable in the choices you and I have all made to negotiate a stranger and smoky time. Find your fire within.

Sunday Night Check in- It's good to be back.

Wowsa ok, well I have missed the reflection and coming back to sharing and feeling my sense of purpose. As promised with a raw diet and exercising, I have lost over 30lbs in the almost 3 months that I have been here. I am in a seva or service position and have nuzzled my way into finding a balance with yoga zumba, qi gong, and my duties in the normal 9-5 where I have a cubicle and office mates. I live in a dorm and have had a merry- go round of roommates that are here from all over for various reasons most of them health related it seems, that they too got sick of it all and needed a break, I'm not so much seeking spiritual counselling or just plain old fashioned physical healing but there are definitely links that are sneaking into my psyche as I am building reserves and mantras to get out of bed and "just get to yoga" my tried and true are It takes courage to come to the mat every day, honor the teacher in you, I won't remeber the class but my ass will. and so on. I am not surprised that there is always drama in a small commnity but really it is where ever you go, but everyone here is punching thru and finding their way, the guests are fasting and finding themselves and I feel like I'm on a cruise ship where I get to see behind the scenes, does this make me more cynical that everyone is human and working it out... even when you eat nothing but orgainc and phase 1 and practice intention. But I do love the walk, the quiet, and though I can not make it to everything I am liking that I am just here on a road that will lead me to where I want to go because every day I am sculpting my life

Greetings from the Desert!

Wowsa what a month, a move, TEDxSF, couch surfing, and now finding some recharge in the AZ desert. So in letting go and embracing that my health needed imediate attention I packed up and found my way down here. I think that I'm looking for the badge of courage patch tattoo to earn while down here. The experience of silence is profound and sunset and sunrise meditation is amazing and the raw food. I'm enjoying wearing white, I do loathe this awkward sense of pudgy tourist at a raw spa, but I'm making it work. The big lesson here is that I have to just be myself and werk it out whereever I am because that's the only place to be. Day 3 I could stand a piece of bread and some lentill soup. But overall I'm not missing the usual. And what of my media, mogul intentions with the radio, well they are on hold for the minute I will get all my old show archived in the next couple of days and see what is a good fit for me in the meantime I'm taking a holiday but I will still come here to share my thoughts and process, I guess because some one might need to know how to cross the bridge of insanity to vitality? Sure.

The week that was - bowing out and other inspires for Community

So I had a missed connections with the sustainable road show, I guess they where pre-occupied with Lightning in a bottle? eh..... This week I announced that I aM TAKING A SABATACIAL to Tree if life and so the closing time of SF as being strange someone, I feel like cities and people can sense my release of netwerking here but my heart is very excited to be open to a feeling of caring for my self before I can step up and do all the things I really want and need to do. I had a closing circle with WAM last night and was reminded of how nice it was to create a collective of my own and how important it is to intentionalize your community. So as I prepare for the road myself I honor all the wonderous moments of sharing creative space and time and how much richer that has made me in heart and life and product. I also found that one of my friends from Denver is working on a SF collective and here is an interview with him. Check it out on being a magical faggot.

Sustainable Roadshow is making a stop at Cultural Rehab today at 4!

Today on the Show we will have Jonathon from The Sustainable Road show talking about being a social movement on the move and building a homebase in Oaktown.
Plus a little May Outro Soundtrack for all the loving MAy and the Crazy that is so catching........