Unlearning the I want what I want and other midnight confessions

A swift kick lunges me out of sleep. The breath narrowly clears and I am with out air as everything bursts electric hot sands tumbling down the dunes of my organs. What have I done? My brain won again today surpassing logic and practice drills and ate what I wanted, drank as I felt soothed my mind and did as I pleased, yet I have no excuse.... I am indulgence incarnate and I want as I want when I want it, which is a very lush way to live (on credit) Why is it not possible that I remember how unhappy food and drink can make me, that my body is sensitive and experiences all of the pains of modern diet trying valiantly to shelter me from the shock, but now is less amused and willing to teach me a lesson. What is it in my mind that allows this unhappiness to boil and fester, to think of comfort foods as deserving, even when it proves to be my misery. Clearly I am not smarter than that women that was ill dressed unable to find a shirt that adequately covered her massive belly, she looked sleepy and confused in line as if she was still in a dream, she ordered so efficiently handed over a twenty dollar bill and checked her phone, her face was rumpled and her blond hair pale and wispy, she got handed her big box and left the scene of her crimes against herself, no one stopped her.


OK I'll say it, I went to Poppeys I got 3 chicken strips, mashed potatoes, a biscuit and a Strawberry soda, and apple pies. I am a fool, and I don't know why I had to have bad food, why I thought it would make me feel better, I lived at the Tree of Life, I worked for Dr. Fung a top notch nutritional and health wellness expert in SF, why do I forget to love my body the way I would love a fragrance, or care for a friend? Today I am still deep in the maze of perception but I confess my crimes of bleary zombie headed ness, I was like that misshapen women, equally willing to endure instead of thrive and I ask myself why am I able to want what I want so well that it does not even serve me? This weekend I took the time to watch this somewhere between Game of Thrones and Glee, and I think it might have had an impact, as I feel even more aware of how often I am leaning into wanting what I want without bothering to ask why and how that really serves me. I realize this is a process to leave loves alone to wander free, but this is an examination if that is possible, this is my own accountability and I need to be able to say honestly this is why I want what I want. The century of self is an in depth BBC special that examines examining and I hope it shakes your dust as much as it did mine. Advertising done well: Dove has consistantly applied messaging to improve women's self image and I applaud them for it, so much so that might just check their label and if it is paraben free, I'll buy it. That's how this game works.