Unlearning the I want what I want and other midnight confessions

A swift kick lunges me out of sleep. The breath narrowly clears and I am with out air as everything bursts electric hot sands tumbling down the dunes of my organs. What have I done? My brain won again today surpassing logic and practice drills and ate what I wanted, drank as I felt soothed my mind and did as I pleased, yet I have no excuse.... I am indulgence incarnate and I want as I want when I want it, which is a very lush way to live (on credit) Why is it not possible that I remember how unhappy food and drink can make me, that my body is sensitive and experiences all of the pains of modern diet trying valiantly to shelter me from the shock, but now is less amused and willing to teach me a lesson. What is it in my mind that allows this unhappiness to boil and fester, to think of comfort foods as deserving, even when it proves to be my misery. Clearly I am not smarter than that women that was ill dressed unable to find a shirt that adequately covered her massive belly, she looked sleepy and confused in line as if she was still in a dream, she ordered so efficiently handed over a twenty dollar bill and checked her phone, her face was rumpled and her blond hair pale and wispy, she got handed her big box and left the scene of her crimes against herself, no one stopped her.


OK I'll say it, I went to Poppeys I got 3 chicken strips, mashed potatoes, a biscuit and a Strawberry soda, and apple pies. I am a fool, and I don't know why I had to have bad food, why I thought it would make me feel better, I lived at the Tree of Life, I worked for Dr. Fung a top notch nutritional and health wellness expert in SF, why do I forget to love my body the way I would love a fragrance, or care for a friend? Today I am still deep in the maze of perception but I confess my crimes of bleary zombie headed ness, I was like that misshapen women, equally willing to endure instead of thrive and I ask myself why am I able to want what I want so well that it does not even serve me? This weekend I took the time to watch this somewhere between Game of Thrones and Glee, and I think it might have had an impact, as I feel even more aware of how often I am leaning into wanting what I want without bothering to ask why and how that really serves me. I realize this is a process to leave loves alone to wander free, but this is an examination if that is possible, this is my own accountability and I need to be able to say honestly this is why I want what I want. The century of self is an in depth BBC special that examines examining and I hope it shakes your dust as much as it did mine. Advertising done well: Dove has consistantly applied messaging to improve women's self image and I applaud them for it, so much so that might just check their label and if it is paraben free, I'll buy it. That's how this game works.

The American Spring has Sprung-

Greetings from a winter wonderland in Denver ! That's right it is April and there is sparkly white fluff dressed about the trees, and only but a couple days ago I was standing outside Beauty Bar in a light jacket thinking how great things are going to be and that there is some glimmer of lovely that is in store.... and then the "N" word erupted and a scuffle of shoving a rolley polley man away from the club, it could have been a brief awkward moment but it relapsed, the young black man had been called the "N" word by a white/ Hispanic? very fat very drunk guy with glasses and the young black man was inconsolable and shouted how dare he and that was his word and that man had no right. Now I did not witness the actual original name calling or the context and I certainly understand someone saying something out of place, or having the right to be offended but this young man spent about ten minutes screaming at the guy who was barely able to stand, but was not allowed to slink away back into his misery of being a sad lonely fat guy on a Sunday with no where to go and nobody to love, he looked desperate almost begging to be beaten to not wake up to the sadness of another week to be faced. And so on and on the young black man wailed about the "N" word in fact evoking the hatred that had been the basis of it's ugliness to begin with. And so the balance of power continues to re verb around race, but I thought about other buzz words that have been re appropriated, A gay man can use the word Faggot, but nobody else, A woman can use the word Bitch to describe her or her friends, but no one else. We have to concede that there is the option when faced with someone saying something even if they are not in the circle and it is just used as a term of suppression rather than inclusion, is that the power that you wield comes not from the word but the intended persona it is identifying, if called a bitch and you proceed to get angry and insulted and treating and show them what a bitch looks like even if that not who you are, are you simply fulfilling a prophecy, or do you have a chance to breathe and make some feel shamed for judging by a quick retort of, "who are you, you don't know me like that mister cellophane", and walk on by. Grace is the ultimate aggregate and I urge everyone to hold their beliefs, but remember usually someone is desperate and wants to just bring hurt into the world that has hurt them, don't be their victim.

That Said, please please please please  have grace and compassion not just for Boston, or the families of victims but see this as an opportunity to expand the parameters and be mindful of all the senseless suffering that takes place world wide that is at American Hands. We are all delicate and regardless of race we need to demand PEACE, as the always razor sharp Bill Maher said we need to stop being War Mongers and start seeing Peace as Strength. I  loathe the idea of justice, it is a farce, does it bring comfort to the grieving? We have spent maybe a trillion dollars and thousands of American lives and hundreds of thousands of Iraq and Afghanastan lives  to kill one man, who was orginally one of our trained guys. Are we better for it, do the teachers losing pays as schools budgets get cut sleep easier knowing we got our guy? We have known, or I have felt this tension, the struggle with gun control, and the endless mess of politicizing social programs and demanding Austerity in the face of crisis (which by the way has never worked just ask England) till way to many Americans turn desperate zombies as they have been trampled too many times. My heart sinks to see tanks in Boston, we can not endure any more Nationalism and so this can not be resolved by violence. Guns don't make you safe, as soon as you have a weapon you stop using your mind to understand and solve your problems.

I can't watch the news right now because, I need to see some solutions and bigger ideas to chew on and so I would like to offer up some Hope:

Also is it time to reinvent currency as a clean untraceable digital form aka Bitcoin? And is we start to adopt this could this be like a hop skip and jump to that Venus Project Utopian dream where no one is sheckled to the price of everything with out the value of anything? Bitcoins is this an option? This little article dares to ask the question.

This is the latest show at Groundswell and it makes me happy.  I'm a sucker for anything that uses space proactively.

Speaking of when I get a little nervous and I say why not just move to a mango farm and live quiet and peaceful like the zen monk I always want to be instead of whirrling divaish of Denver I am presented with this: A dome home in Thailand made for 8000 in 6 weeks with a couple guys. Game Over.

Groove Is In The Remix by Steveolaf on Mixcloud

Anyone want to start a community Radio Station?

Youth Swarm! Tedx gets kid friendly

On any given Friday afternoon crowds of eager kids are counting the seconds to being released into a wide stretch of weekend, but in downtown Denver there is a frantic enthusiasm reserved for a tween concert. TedxYouth Mile High has opened its doors and the flood of pristine uniforms or delegates from the ghettos are buzzing about on this play day. So what does Tedx Youth offer up to thirsty minds, that often default to boredom? Questions. The lobby was a patchwork of booths asking what they would wish for, what type of business they would start, what would the settle for. A very bright eyed 18 year old had a table with her duct tape craft wallets, she had been working with Young American's Bank and YouthBiz to start her own crafttacular in her spare time. ReWork, a regular partner of TedxMileHigh was engaging kids about liking your job,and will be hosting The Schoolyard Scrimmage on May 4! Taking place at Galvanize, the Scrimmage is an innovative day-long event that will harness the talents and power of the community to help accelerate local schools, companies, and nonprofits working in the education space. Not bad for the 1st floor, in the learning labs upstairs kids interacted by writing poetry, building 3D collages, learning how to compose a dub step beat, dance a haiku, and get a glimpse of explorer gear from the north pole. All very fun and perfect for younger students, the juniors and seniors were very polite but seemed a bit glazed as they had limited ground to tread, and for that I hope that TED develops more uncomfortable or dynamic engagement for these well developed youthquakes.

 The Stage: An environmental activist teenager that spent 7 dollars on a letter writing campaign to ban single use bags in Boulder, and start a top notch recycling program in school, her method was research and persistence. A 12 year old that is designing a neurological stimulator thingy, I was hoping I could just send her some money on indiegogo and get in on the guinea pig round. A 17 year old who is designing prosthetics from a 3d printer., whose mission was to keep the costs down. DJ CaveM, a hip hop performer that raps about being an organic vegan farmer as a revolution.     A guy that walked across the country, who I dare say had one of the most interesting messages which was simply to trust in yourself and that we are going at "speeds that defy our own design" so make a mile radius around your home, school and pledge to walk it before just driving. (a revelation in these times).  Eric Larson was the explorer and had a lot of gear to show in the labs, but his meaning was more about engaging kids in environmental awareness and personal preparation which seemed warmly welcomed. The flashy parkour tricks amused and amazed showing viral videos of how to use just wall and grass as your guides which was all very wowing but also he showed the bloopers reel of how many times a kid had to fall and not get it right before something took shape. The highlight was a humble moment when 25 year old Ryan Ford from Apex  Movement told the story of a mom and her two kids coming together to learn to play in order  to overcome their disabilities. "There are no obstacles only opportunities" he said triumphantly as a tiny girl in pink leggings bound over a bolder and into her mother's arms.  Amelia Earhart the host for the event is a pilot and news broadcaster and starting a non-profit to teach kids to fly, she kept pace asking everyone to tweet their experiences to become a top trending hash tag, it happened oh the power of social media and teenagers. Most of the tags were "inspired, cool," but I was haunted by one that said "bored", was this the perspective of a cynical senior with rolled eyes and a to cool attitude or was this the molasses of a young kid unable to access the inspirations flickering about? As I talked to various teachers and groups like the math and science school, the mountain arts prep school, everyone seemed excited, but is excitement asking a question enough to get a real answer?

The themes for the presentation were values, and I venture to say more motivations, because you don't need to teach a kid to be interested, that is the unlearning of adulthood, where there has to be results and reasons for the work, but kids are simply more effectively curious; so how can we engage them not just as an audience but as constant participators with out it turning into a circus or by turning it into a circus! (the tightest run ship ever is a circus.) The startling coherent kids that presented solutions to real world problems were jaw dropping, but the true message of the day was held by the explorers who told of building a team, developing trust, living in your body, taking a walk, climbing a mountain and being persistent. Those are the qualities that kids need and from their they can design anything. As usual TED is about ideas but kids are about play, this year the Mile High continues to develop a rich tapestry to grow the minds that will design a complete overhaul of society from it's industrial dust. "Maybe we are just mirrors for miracles"

It's time has come. THE REVOLUTION IS YOU.

Over thousands of years, men, women and children struggle to find an identity, a truth and some sliver of peace and happiness. Often this gets betrayed by shiny prizes, seats of power and potential unrealized. (the quiet desperation sets in); and yet there is always a banner flying some movement some principle that demands more, last weekend was a rally of rogues and dogooders huddled in a hotel thinking strategically and efficiently unfolding a story and while becoming it's very own. NCMR 13   was a haven for ideas and rather than drag you through the shiny moments which I covered in live tweet @crystalzclearly lets talk concepts.

1. Accountability : it is simply to easy to create and to engage than to be idle these tools of communication are hand held and on most phones you can record, photograph, upload, edit, and publish the news the ideas and the life you lead at any moment somewhere between waiting in line, or checking a news feed. Want to get a bit deeper and solve problems rather than just tell some stories get your programmer on and start designing some systems that can get you live in the mix. The most bad ass Lady of get it together was the mistress of the blog - get it. @lisawilliams  lifeandcode.tumblr.com
automattic freepress.net  freesoftwarefoundation freespeechtv

PS: It is always heartbreaking when technology supposedly improves and the intimacy to which you have built trust has been eliminated or upgraded or retweeked. RIP reader you will be missed. Also this is content gold thanks internet for easing my pain, in the most awkward way possible.


2. Quality : Much like the 1st Amendment that says we can say whatever we want and the 2nd that says we can fight about it, it is exhaustive to see the smattering of drivel that is out there so yes keep writing and taking pictures but please remember that there is a need to filter your own work, even this here needs a lot more editing but the concept is to be raw, dear readers rehab is not clean and well digested, it has emotional currents and skips on refinements to tackle deep aching substance and the torrent of awkward self-realization that is it's mission. Some inspiring ladies that were all awkwardly brilliant and insufferably young was the Spark crew that has challenged seventeen magazine to show images of actual non-photoshop girls. BRAVO! New Moon.com, and a personal fav Black Girls Code. Why is it important to have young fresh faces making content? Because they have insight into how to solve the problems without having bleed the disappointments that the X or why generation crushed over.   Content, research, thoughtfulness, does it tell a fresh insightful story, is it the zeitgeist? Masters of the social domain where UpWorthy gave in depth explanation as to how developing interesting content is simply not enough, it has to be spiced and packaged with efficiency and shareability remember folks you gotta ask why it is working and why it is not, viral has an algorithm too.

3. Turning Donors into Activist: A long time ago there were only a very few super rich and only a few causes most of which were faith based organizations, we have a lot more on the table now. Fundraising is a dirty word, it's asking for a check and walking out the door relieved that you got it. Did you bother to find out if this donor was a good match? Did you listen to their ideas? Did you offer a way to participate beyond just money but on their talent? Did you stop short because of your own issues with money? Kathy LeMay CEO of raisingchange.org was an amazing speaker and her insights on developing Donors was transformative; Bravo to NCMR13 for bringing in the elephant that is not just exhaustive frustrations on non-exist public funding and bureaucracy. There are plenty of exciting models for developing revenue streams like at Denver Open Media and Inews Promethius Radio Project (just throwing it out there- with my days of a coffeshop radio station cafe gallery event space for a community radio PirateCat Radio esque - Donors/  Patrons anyone?)

4. Media Salon : Connecting with community developing real world spaces and events that engage people, media, artists, whathaveyou to evolve, much like the factory, CBGBS The Algonquin round table, Gertrude Steins apartment, Mama Cass's, Frank and the Sands a movement needs a home and a host or curator Dianna Vreeland to Anonymous,  hell Occupy had Wall Street. This is where culture is crafted and from that the seeds of identity are watered. The shift in consciousness is planned and it usually actualizes through art (multi-medium ). Engage and Challenge your mind to speak. Some favorite moments harikondabolu.com  Films for Action might be a great way to at least host a screening.  Here in Denver a gem of a donated space activating culture and community is Deer Pile right above city o city in the heart of Capitol Hill the Johnny crew keeps things interesting and cheap and or free to let your creative freak fly and that well is priceless. Tip of the HAT Dtown.



5. Get Involved in the Political Puke: YEAH = I SAID IT! PUKE.  I am constantly exhausted by how many moments don't make sense in America. There is a failure to serve humanity, yet that is not the excuse to endure this meh.... this slow poison of fear and comfort. My friends and enemies, "Get mad as hell" because they assume you don't have the where with all or the attention span to demand a standard that represents the betterment of our societal needs. This is time to be on the right side of history. So suck it up, the revolution is only as good as you are. So ask questions, start causes, read your news and save your local politicians office numbers on you speed dial. Offer 5 hours of your week to go above your obvious, to dream to demand to create, to research, to discover. Do your Job of being marvelously YOU.