ticking........ time takes a peace pipe?

The shift is tampering and subtle and as these moons bloat with good will and gamma rays flood our DNA I sense my sequestered spirit and the limits of my own creation. I opt for adventure in my mind but it always fizzles to maintain and i shatter to the desires of the higher invisible road that occasionally I feel like gossamer kisses from ghost ships in the middle of the night. I want my life to be more special than it is or that it is allowing for. This is completely my own fault, I attest. But still dear universal intention give me the courage to be a captain again. Even these words send oxygen to my blood. My deep dream is to be of significance to witness the cosmic dance at the pyramids for The Great Convergence. I have applied for a scholarship and pray I find myself with creatures of the stars at a pivotal moment in time. SO yeah dear friends I want to win the lottery to start a women's credit union and network of art communities that provide havens for creatives, widows, and the abused. I want to  micro finance women's art and education and health and independence. "if won the lottery or if I ran for office"  My heart beats with only dreams but I humbly pray that humanity is holding something for me to be driven enough to claim. This month I have felt a slice of solace to winter in to my inner care and feeding of the soul. And though I know that this exercise in reflection and revelation and soap box is merely an echo I reach out to my secret secret and unfold a truth and a promise of purpose.

Excercising the ache of possibillity

Well so it seems that after an exhaustive slightly crippling lurch in humanity is hopeless, there is this tinker of arts and celebration it is not however in a dazzling bottle of champagne but in a large glass of white wine after a long day. So under the recent spell of a maddow fueled examination, can we start dreaming what is possible and just assume it is? I am tired of being beholden to eventually and it is a process- do we really believe we have the time to keep holding the hand of consumer chaos? What can I do today to demand better? WAR IS OVER if you want it to be. Said John and Yoko over 30 years ago. When do each of us get honest. I admit that it is easy to have a love in from the comfort of your 5th ave apartment but is there a middle ground that can be worked out Step one : Know what you want. Step two: define it plan, map and actualize it. step 3 : own it. Today I am going to call my senators and remind them we are in an unpopular war and when the country is looking for places to trim the fat that the DOD is an obese bitch. And this is the battle cry of me in my new apartment single 30something recovering from an accident not quite sure of the future but sure that there is one and that I better have a lot of fun and believe in whatever I am doing, so back to work aka back to passion.

"Onward March" the refreshed sentiments of an optimist.

And so it begins after a massive fever of combative ego political and personal in the should I stay or should I go varity, it comes down to "the show must go on." But there is a glimmer of strength that was not born of hope but breed in the disappointments and yet we returned as a nation to serve the needs of the common over the power and might of a handful of corporations and overlords. Yes this has sucked and yes it should've been better but it is what it needs to be and as an american and a human i have chosen to adjust the time table and ease my imagined sense of entitlement and simply work to do my best to be better. This week is the Starz Film Festival and there is a parade of films and people that I am mixed up with and somewhere Denver is a beacon for festival for festivals sake. I have no expectations about how the meetings or roads will wind for the tapestry of my fate, but I will make every effort to show up. And even Mittens with his Smug President elect web site still shows he really believed in actions. I guess that is the danger, to drink your own cool aid. I mark this journey with a little faith that here in my quiet little studio I will find my voice and my way to be all the things I thought I was and to allow those dreams to evolve with out regrets. They fall away the moments of if only and somehow I find myself loving every minute and unable to honestly wish to change anything. I guess that means the best truly yet to come.

Fighting for cause

This month is breast cancer awareness month. .And last week I was reintroduced into the power of women's code really is. The election season women's rights are back into question, note if you do not have ovaries, you simply can not be qualified to preside over them. Just sayin. Can you imagine a testicular panel of only women telling men what to do about their balls? Anyway, I spent an evening at a women's investment group mixer, named the 1820 club... why because it was the year of Susan B Anthony's birth( A reminder that it was not so long ago that women had no right to vote, own property, inherit, or wear pants) there was wine and cheese it was quite nice, and as suspected there was the question of why don't more women become Angel Investors rather that philanthropic endeavors, I wanted to say something awful which was because usually the investing is handled by the husband and the wife does the spending.  Hark it is terrible to think it, but it might be true, women would rather decorate or give it away before invest on the whole, and so today I watched pink ribbons inc now on netflix, and thought long and hard about the lack of accountability for where the money for research goes. And what of the all this pink stuff that is out there..... Is Lauder, Revlon, Ford really Diet Coke sponsors women heart health? Is this another form of patriot act? call it by the name that it is really attacking? well anyway, today I was reminded that the power of marketing to the mass mind of women is a battle that everyday I must fight or in reality where I don't feel like using such absurd terms like fighting, each day I must be mindful of the presence of desire for things and to create community and acceptance and to feel strong and healthy not by means of pressure but by the sheer force of joy in my heart. Lumps and all, I am here and tears are shed as I make my way, alone and with others, but I will take the time to find out who and why then ingest the obvious pink poison.

Full Disclosure of a broken Dream

When I left SF I felt a rip tide that I could not explain, much as the mouring the loss of a lover and all the dreams that will never be, I felt like there was a golden age that I was apart of and there had always been a thread that had guided my purpose that had driven me to see and feel deeper. I was born under extreme circumstances and have often felt pressurized with my unique skill set that has seemed to take me to higher high and lower lows but always in the quest of the soul searching and accountabillity I felt for being here on Earth at this time. My mother had been told and her body was really not in condition to have another child so much later but her cleanse that she went on by way of Dr. Brown restored her body and though my father was in his 6os and had had a Vasectomy I had arrived healthy much to belief and guidance of Dr. Brown, who is known for his Atlantean Crystal discovery of the coast of Florida. My name is Crystal and I have experienced a profound sense of playful with what it might mean to be a living speaking and feeling Crystal. Why did I come in 1980 as an Aries Fire sign-

as a part of the Indigos, why was I born to Mercy hospital and had such a strong sense of myself from earliest memory. Why did I have as many protectors and people offer the assistance I needed to accomplish my visions and for me to be able to see them so clearly. Over the years I have felt my own disappointments and the tick of a karmic clock in my ear having deep intuitions about cosmic events and global shifts and in depth knowledge to the truths lurking in the closets of strangers, perhaps my temptations for fresh meat. I am a sleuth. On the hunt for some lost truth, and slowly drifting from proactive to reactive I have been deeply bothered by this wilting occurring but it is now that I face a freeing and a heart break for a purpose that I have held and a flame in my heart to find the Atlantean Crystal as a duty, has been dashed today there is a disturbance in the force and whether it is a good sign that we can not go home, that the Karma has been cleared or that a true and correct active piece of mystical has been lost to us during these sinister and logic based times, I do not know. But it was real, my feeling of needing to say goodbye the urgency of explaining if I was journeying alone if I wanted to stay or to go.... I feel alone and free but I weep for a something I can mot touch or explain, a dream to find my place to be apart of the gentle people some cosmic space party or some kind of activation here in the earthly plane there is nothing but forward now, as today I have learned that the crystal had been accidentally broken. I will say that I had felt that there was an urgency to me finding it and I thought we would unite for 12-12-12 but it is now a dream of gossamer clouds on a windy day. If this opens my heart so wide as now to fit a new dream of dreams a truer freedom a new expanse of power and light and love than so be it. Better we go to face the great unknown where as I thought I had a map, we are adventurers again. God Speed and be gentle.

A month of Sundays and Divine intervention a Shaman Story if you would believe me.

(This was a draft and as twists would have it something that will haunt me as my path twisted from this plan, but I wanted to post it anyway because that healing was amazhing and I should let it float out in the universal instead of sitting in a digital vault.) Well with a week and counting to Burning Man and to leap back to the otherside of the pool to swim in warmer waters as a preemptive strike to the bad weather burn of Winter and my health function concerns, I set up a date with a Shaman Lady that is an exorcist of the bad stuff. The things that have been nesting in my bones and body making me eat my pain, not speak my truth and generally sabatoge my living experience, some of which has been there maybe lifetimes, some of which I remembered as it had been shadowed away from my memory. But here is what is strange so if you think about Harry Potter and keeping pieces of souls what would be better than a living crystal? Am I getting into some awkward territory? Try living this. So several weeks ago my Uncle met this couple and I really felt that they had more to do with me than with him, he of course could never imagine such a notion, but Linda and I kept looking at each other, and just found an easy conversational space for some of the most esoteric of subjects. And then I took the dog for a walk down a different street and basiclly walked right up the house they have been remodeling. It was then she mentioned that she did healing work, Indeed I needed healin-

In bed with Beethoven and the illusion of recovery

It is with a broken heart and a twisted wreck of a fighter body that I type these mental etchings into the vast stratosphere pleading my case to the sands of time and the winds of fate. On route to Burning Man and my new exciting fearless life of creative freedom and epic sunsets on the beach and perhaps that true love I've been working up the worth for, well I got bitch slapped right on the ass by a big white truck and I have been derailed back to Denver where there never ceases to be things to get nested in but also the neon glow of Denver has now been turned a fluorescent, And as I lie in bed finally with a day simply to catch my bones before they drop right off, I found the documentary of Beethoven now I am really not trying to say that my prattles and vaguely ingenious insights into the minds and hearts of a crumbling civilization are hardly worthy comparison to the greatest composer of all time, but it brought me comfort that he too.... struggled with health troubles that held him back and he turned out to be the best, in fact maybe it made him the best because his struggles pushed him. I fold in. And yet the only thing I had the strength to do was to find a room in a home of ladies on the brink of breakdown. I have unpacked found a job which I promptly quit today, baring the pain of the body and the mind numbing "work" it seems I am a snob even when crumpled like a rejected paper airplane I still demand purpose. It was cultural rehab that has 1st installed an active voice. A haven for the weary and maybe the fiery that want to do more in the parameters. Not everyone can be so brutally punished with frustrations as Beethoven to be in the shadow of a prodigy yet discover your own talents swell to such immortal proportions only to be constantly ripped apart by deaf ears and weak bowels. To never have the comfort of lasting love and the solace of companionship. Yes today I snuggled with the inner muse that must face that my game plan and time line have once again felt altered. But unlike last year, when I I braced my neck and clung to ropes, I have learned that I will swing again. That my spirit will not splinter under the task of another rebuild but that it will bend and mold itself and that I have only one task and that is to make. I am a lover and laughter and a doer in life and no truck can ram that out of me.
So 2012 I do beg your indulgence and my hail mary pass but we will get there.

a prize for itching the scratch

It turns out it has been a long time. Settling the accounts of hometown wounds, exploring the champagne problems of living lightly with a little money to burn and more money to steer my boat where I want to go, not just where I have to. It is, in fact no less irritating than having no options. But this does not mean I am not infinitely grateful for the spill in my lap, but that strange American? Dream that all things get fixed at some point, and "then I will be done" is a no show. All Hail the adaptability of the Human to still live and interact and to want and desire and be unhappy. My flesh, my waking life, my love to love it is all bubbling to surface, my meditative trance of survival is dissipating into happy little clouds. And now the fierce visionary women I claim as i unpacked the sparkled trunks of a lifetime surrendered to storage years ago have come to rain in my spain. And I believe I can dance all night again.

Boomzilla and the art of automagically.

At some point permission is granted. YES I CAN.  My life is unfolding as I design it because I want to do things and represent and dream the impossible dram of art and love and making my life my own again. Somewhere  started to find rules. To trust in the take away. The prize of rehab from a mad mad world. I have never related to but how found the amusement (bewildering) nature of an unnatural craft of careless trumpeting in the streets of bloody strife and struggle. Right now there are children in process of breaking their dreams or realizing them as they hone and flash moments of solid perfection in feats of pure technical achievement. I watched a tiny girl twist and float through the air as only a child could do. She smiles as she sticks the landing she was perfect. I am not perfect but yet i still have a waking dream of perfection, it spills into what is me as a lifestyle, a relationship, work, friends, a night out, and deserved night in, my family and my sense of legacy and even the retort of a cultural movement I am creating for the paper ghost of purrrrrfect? i/ once sat in a seat and struck up a stranger with my ideas and my projects, i took his picture and he he asked me where  i could buy my stuff or something like that, i didn't have an answer and he shook his head, what a shame i wasn't prepared. My heart broke and i felt a cave of time crush my skull, he told me that all things should be effortless. I hang my head and as would be Olympians push deeper into breath taking feats of competition, I swoon to the mystic call of effortless grateful for any glimpse of being the luckiest girl AKA automagically.

Moral Outrage a lesson in Compassion from the Venus Flytrap AKA Oooops misplaced my anger again sorry folks

Wow what a week! I'm feelin a little blown out by the Retrograde of Mercury and a little undazzled by the spectacle of madness that dares me to peek at the American wounds of entertainment and the nature of misplacing anger. Life's rich pageant took a dark turn last week as a bizarrely well choreographed tragedy occurred in Aurora my former early teen stomping grounds. It seems that another isolated young man choose to arm himself and open fire at a movie theatre that was playing the midnight showing of the final Batman. 12 were killed many injured. Like Columbine I know someone that was related to a victim, it does not qualify me of anything but I did burst to tears when I read the reactions of angered friends of friends that wanted to call to arms more citizens- when will more men with guns help? In Britain 13 deaths for the year by guns because they are not carried by anyone cops, robbers and their is no worry to go to a show or campus. Video games are designed with no thought to collateral damage I refuse to believe that pretending to play shoot em up for countless hours does not desensitize the concept of shoot to kill.  It feels close again the bafflement, I can't imagine the sorrow of the families but as I felt with Columbine this is very much a larger conversation and a much deeper wound that needs to be healed. I don't really want to focus on victims or their families in the media the pain is usually channeled to creating champions for cause to cure..... a heavy price for finding your voice, or even the sad guy that caused this pain. The day of, I was walking around in a daze reminded of how alien the life and times of American is to me: a young man in lime green raver fetish jeans and a fish net shirt long dyed messy hair and a leather Bat mask with pointy ears and his friend-girl walking slightly distant stared me down crossing towards the Subway - waiting/ begging for me to be shocked.  Suicide Girls in hand made Undies were beckoning the Santa Fe art crowd t come in and buy some arts crafts clothes, there were cupcakes and booze and everyone was attractive I guess that's ok as long as it was to buy stuff not sex, a black bus filled with party boys yelled out the window for the girls to join them..... Why was this not moral outrage/ women exploited to sell goods but not services was clearly off the menu? My friends invited me to a family picnic in Wyoming not convenient for a reunion but more of a,  will you come to the mountain for us gesture. It did cost me 100 for a new muffler, should I bill them or my friend for the lousy guidance as backed out of the mountain. Eh money Flows, I did get to experience the majesty of Hummingbirds what the ancients did before you tube, and sticking my feet in a creek and remembering my dear Friend Zak killed by a drunk driver 8 years ago, we sat at a kitchen table in the cabin in the woods as he brought me out of a long night of feeling awkward(miss you hoodlum savant Denver nights lost a glow with you gone) The 19 year old kid that was sleeping at my moms house for the wayward was caught trying to steal from a roommate, only to minutes later break into my car and leave the wallet but take my phone - the wallet had cash the phone was priceless. In the days that followed of my friends on FB being outraged or angry that their sacred place of refuge from the mad mad world was terrorized (at the Batman premier during a gun scene- really? 160 million in a weekend? really? Don't get me wrong I Love Batman in fact I drove a batmobile but look at the story here, Batman was created out of senseless violence and the loss of his parents. Dexter is a serial killer crafted from drug dealer parents and a detective Dad who serves as trainer to be undetected assuming him to be a monster and what does he kill? other monsters? I am reminded of a Chris Rock I am curious how a student affords 20,000 in guns and ammo and fancy explosives? I could barely afford the movie ticket as a student. How did he even get into the theatre those are one way doors right? I am never really discounting of a Manchurian candidate/ zoolander villain fiasco. Maybe it was all the late nights the exhaustive work in understanding the brain, even Greenspan let all the wheels come off of this country fiscally believing that the market will correct itself because he was a fan of Ayn Rand in college and refused to examine reality as is but let his beliefs cloud his facts. My first instinct when my phone was taken was disbelief, wanting to question my self in the hopes that I'm just over reacting, but then it was clear that it was an intentional act, even if it wasn't personal. Then it was anger. How dare they, I will seek Justice and locked my phone and sent a note that the police would be involved, but then my friend that makes good money reminded me if I want my phone back, you should offer a reward, HONEY! I had failed to see my own advice I had looked to justice for resolution, and this settles nothing. I have spent the day trying to understand being 19 unwanted and working crappy jobs and living like it will never end. Men lead lives of quiet desperation and it remains so as long as their is a girlfriend trailing along and providing comfort, but men gone untreated go on to indulge in violence - I wonder what the mother was like, how hard she worked was their breast feeding involved, what is the connection of beauty that dispels misery and so I think of the Venus flytrap a strange carnivorous flower that look cool enough to get up close but eliminates the fly. Do men need more time in the garden to soothe the soul to fill the heart the gentle laughter and love to soften the blow of endless obstacles. maybe a little more beach boys and a corona at the end of a long day. May Prisons be Rose Gardens may Colleges have Playgrounds may we have mandatory fresh air breaks. And may we ask the assholes in our lives the weaker or meaner or sadder people with bad hair and blotchy skin or perfect spray tans the freaks to the freaks and the quiet ones "hey i get it, sometimes it sucks but this too shall pass."