Today was like one of those fly dreams- every range of emotional accountability has flushed my cheeks to blush raw crimson. The volcano of yes is churning down my zen mountain and my ferocious desires for maybe having it all is in my grasps has exposed the deeper canyons of old battle scars. I played a game that had two teams and in knowing that there was a selected team captain my inner dialogue immediately wanted to take our team the gold, but I paused and was concerned that I had been usurping the power of my spectacle and I wanted others to have the opportunity to lead, harkening back to being given a bit part in the school play not because I wouldn't have made a great lead, " because I didn't need to build my confidence" and so it went to the shy girl and she was great. So I sat back and steered from behind but instead of honing a singular vision I went into auto pilot and though I sensed we were missing the bigger point and that all eyes were on me I reassured that winning was evident and these were the rules and I calmed everyone by cracking jokes to ease the tension of my team - We won SPARTANS foreva! My gut of course was right and we were missing the point and all those moments when I know I'm not seeing the whole picture until after start skipping on the record. How deep is this program- that I shut out my sense to lead - that I stop when I don't feel right that I always play the game. I see things through, I steady the course. And I am exhausted of jumping trains.
Tonight I am left wondering what I have gained by my cool exterior. That others look to me even if I'm not invested. I am exposed as being no closer to shedding my cultural isms and at every opportunity I shrink from the full scale evolution I have promised myself. Today I released resentments for my family matters but that did not reach to the bottom of the ravine of my soul the dark edge of self destruct that shadows my starshine. These failures are my mantra to revive my connection to purpose to hold the candle for my light and the generosity of spirit that would work in collaboration with the whole team that is 2 halves. The win - win is walking in your shoes and so I am announcing that I am moving this blog in 60 days to ourculturalrehab.com where I will revive my Very Spicy Dice to a web app and circumvent the prejudice of Google and Apple for their pious reasoning and I will develop ways to make this a conversation again rather than rants. I have grown careless in my rebuild and though I am proud to have pieced my life back together from the accident it is now time to reinvest in my passions they are my ribbons though time and though my confusion and disappointment at my utter obvious revert to a survival mind is clear, it also the light to guide my way out of my cave. I am a woman that risks, and I am all in again. I am too much... but that is because I assume you want so little. I will not enable your exclusion from my heart anymore.
