My dear friend posted that today should be a 24 hours of bonus extra do what you like day. And this struck me as to remember how often we are found waiting for permission to get what you want. And so I countered that that is every day really, after all how funny was it when the Dowager Countess asked what a weekend was? So onward and upward to great adventures and some complexities in this strange and amazeserious holiday of extra opportunities to love what you do and to see things through to the clarity with in. You have places to go.......
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
This was terrific Being feisty and ALIVE and not saying your sorry!
Sometime ago I watched this and thought it was super duper great. It might still be on Netflix but who knew that Harlan Ellision was just as interesting as his characters. Be inspired to Revolt and say what you mean.
Last week at the Starz Center
2-16-12
I was invited to see this from a dear friend of mine that is big in this community. And with a gentle hand the films takes on the arc of becoming who you are meant to be in all the many roles in the various cultures. Eastern/Western father son and of course the pain of having someone so beloved unable to be that beloved to you. It was a sweet little film that plays a note in the heart of the struggle to find identy and greatness in the shadows of tradition and the values of non-ego. Make time to find a little piece of yourself in this film.
I was invited to see this from a dear friend of mine that is big in this community. And with a gentle hand the films takes on the arc of becoming who you are meant to be in all the many roles in the various cultures. Eastern/Western father son and of course the pain of having someone so beloved unable to be that beloved to you. It was a sweet little film that plays a note in the heart of the struggle to find identy and greatness in the shadows of tradition and the values of non-ego. Make time to find a little piece of yourself in this film.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Ahoy Hoy 2012 - A year in Review and the Blueprints for 2012
2011 was an exercise in surrender or lack there of. I have blindly imploded my desires for love out of a drone like need to create a worthwhile presence of lasting meaning. This quest has always been the sub plot to all my needs and deeds and finally my health was my undoing as after being in a heart wrencthing and abusive relationship that was only achieved after fleeing my homeland for relief from the torment of lack of appreciation for my drive and ambition and me being in love with a man that I knew would make me unhappy because his first love would always be his work, I spent 6 years in the bay killing me softly. It is almost clockwork that once you are ready to leave you see the reason why you came near the door. San Francisco was finally starting to bloom and I was starting to wither, I had created so many lovely things but had no way to sustain them, and so I packed it all up and said I love you again to another amazing man that was in love with his work and not with me and away I went to Patagonia population 800. My ballon of a body was exhausted and my spirit was defeated as I assumed that I would survive? But would I or did I? After listening to Bjork and Thom Yorn I've seen it all. So many time on the train, I closed off and shut down. Preparing myself for the Dying I wanted or was doing. Even creating the rehab project was an effort to cure my own addiction to wanting to do something important by doing something important and me building a presence and forum only greatened the distance between me and the lovers I sought. I have denied myself being able to indulge in love in this time of war, and yet there is nothing that I proclaim as being more important. So here I am not able to face the big moment of telling someone that I want and lust for them because I know that we will not be happy and that I have a lot of things I have to do before I can committ to being splendid with someone, though I have always seen inspiration in the Eames
or the Newmans
collaborative partners and companions
I have never been good at power coupling, prefering white hot sensuality that is come and gone in an instant. And then there is the Tree an oasis in the desert to reform my ways of indulgence and medicating, or maybe it was a golden parachute that I had designed in my experiment in compassion to get so close to the edge of death to see if I could come back was this the only adventure left for me after always sticking around for the screenshot. Did I expect to be met by a crowd waiting to cheer me on, did I really not expect to meet anyone who was also taking such an extreme course in action. I think I did not prepare for the challenge of actual change and exactly how deep that is in the roots and how long it takes and what is to say of the upkeep. Here at cultural rehab I barely had time to check in and post my thoughts. Unable to reflect on reflecting as the sands of my nature were so deeply being extracted and all my discomfort was having to be realized in such a full frontal manner and I also didn't feel I was able to be truly honest as it could be read by those that were there and there was so much Drama and disconnect between medium and message that I thought it best to just breathe through it. SO to sum up the last six months of the year. An oasis is either self sustaining like that of Avalon Gardens which is meant to live and work there harmoniously and is a closed system like Apple (note I only spent the day so I'm sure it is also dramatic just over different things or not even then) The gardens houses families and does full scale farming and is a community extended spiritual family. The Tree is a spiritual retreat/ raw food destination for people with various health concerns to give a go to a holistic approach of healing instead of western medicine. Behind the scenes was volunteers or sevas that did 3 months tours of duty in exchange for room and board, most were there not out of need but out of love which in my opinion is vastly under appreciated by the staff. The housing or dorms was nothing short of third world, it was almost laughable that they charged a rate at all which was later waved. The Tree has a bare bones staff that is paid minimum wage with little growth opportunity, as there is always sevas on hand to do most of the heavy lifting. There is little care to being fairly compensated as the cafe privledges are regularly flaunted as being the benefit and the access to the temple and services, none of the programs mind you, just temple and hot tub and shabbat, it is expected to attend at least 3 services a week with bells on. There was an email firestorm that erupted over having a private event in conflict with a service. It was addressed in Temple about having comapssion for eachother the following day however I dare say compassion was not used in the emails that were public forum to all staff members. I personally did not read any of these but it was considered to be a black cloud from anyone's perspective. But I digress, even if you charge a premium price for a mediocre product, "rustic" accomadations, minimal food selections, I've seen more raw local organic at a salad bar at whole foods in SF that the profits and the spending didn't add up, that the staff was mistreated and berated and the constant emphasis on a no gossip policy was not practiced by way of living in a way that was gossip causing, and that most long standing employees were not happy with the day to day dis-organization, but had gotten comfortable. In wanting to improve the conditions I was met with the same old berating of my character and disaproval of being reimbursed for my expenses, being supported of my injuries and my ideas on overall improvements to the systems that were clearly broken and inefficent. Micro Management was often described as the solution to the tasks at hand and now as I wonder how I came even close to healing whatever part of me that was broken other than me finding the wornder of great people and a lovely time inspite of the Tree itself, I made no effort to fall into the spell of love as it was so clearly not a place to thrive in the long term.
It is with this that I face todays greatest lesson and my clear and constant challenge, how do you see the Long term and the big picture and make room for the intimacy that makes it worth while? My Uncle was a workaholic he had six kids and a beautiful wife that divorced him as soon as the kids were grown, he said to me that he was regretful that he did not spend more time with them because he was so busy providing for them.... Is this the cultural rehab that I am referring to? Elon Musk is inspirational and the go to when you think the good guys,
He is the hero of one of my work-aholic amazing men friends (that I have always feared dating), PAYPAL, Tesla, Space X making tons of money building good things, he is 40 with 5 kids and works 100 hrs a week worth 2 billion and counting and has now a Starter wife where in an article in Marie Clare she talks about how demanding he was for perfection and how utterly lonely she was during the marriage and after her divorce in 6 weeks he was engaged to a 20s something gorgeous actress that he is now divorcing after a year. I had a well of feeling for someone I met at the Tree but did not act on them because of all the music in my head about what was ok and boundries, not feeling focused on my place and always wanting a certain reaction. I was used to control and rarely submitt and all this other stuff, so often I wait till it is later and in reflection that I even begin to experience what I really wanted to become of the experience. so how do you move forward knowing some part of you is asleep at the wheel because it is in protective mode. Well that is my big project know my cultural rehab has come down to this question, and if I find the answers or if I struggle with them I will keep searching because I want to love not the love that means dissapointment or that expects it or the love that means blind fairy tale with no acceptance of the daily effort and responsibility of courtship. As we begin to cross over to the most anticipated year in ages I am woeful of my lack of placement for the shift. But each day I find an inspiration to call myself the luckiest girl and hope I will be thoughtful enough to recognize and react to the oportunities of exposing love as pure, success as grand and mediocrity as vulgar.
or the Newmans
collaborative partners and companions
I have never been good at power coupling, prefering white hot sensuality that is come and gone in an instant. And then there is the Tree an oasis in the desert to reform my ways of indulgence and medicating, or maybe it was a golden parachute that I had designed in my experiment in compassion to get so close to the edge of death to see if I could come back was this the only adventure left for me after always sticking around for the screenshot. Did I expect to be met by a crowd waiting to cheer me on, did I really not expect to meet anyone who was also taking such an extreme course in action. I think I did not prepare for the challenge of actual change and exactly how deep that is in the roots and how long it takes and what is to say of the upkeep. Here at cultural rehab I barely had time to check in and post my thoughts. Unable to reflect on reflecting as the sands of my nature were so deeply being extracted and all my discomfort was having to be realized in such a full frontal manner and I also didn't feel I was able to be truly honest as it could be read by those that were there and there was so much Drama and disconnect between medium and message that I thought it best to just breathe through it. SO to sum up the last six months of the year. An oasis is either self sustaining like that of Avalon Gardens which is meant to live and work there harmoniously and is a closed system like Apple (note I only spent the day so I'm sure it is also dramatic just over different things or not even then) The gardens houses families and does full scale farming and is a community extended spiritual family. The Tree is a spiritual retreat/ raw food destination for people with various health concerns to give a go to a holistic approach of healing instead of western medicine. Behind the scenes was volunteers or sevas that did 3 months tours of duty in exchange for room and board, most were there not out of need but out of love which in my opinion is vastly under appreciated by the staff. The housing or dorms was nothing short of third world, it was almost laughable that they charged a rate at all which was later waved. The Tree has a bare bones staff that is paid minimum wage with little growth opportunity, as there is always sevas on hand to do most of the heavy lifting. There is little care to being fairly compensated as the cafe privledges are regularly flaunted as being the benefit and the access to the temple and services, none of the programs mind you, just temple and hot tub and shabbat, it is expected to attend at least 3 services a week with bells on. There was an email firestorm that erupted over having a private event in conflict with a service. It was addressed in Temple about having comapssion for eachother the following day however I dare say compassion was not used in the emails that were public forum to all staff members. I personally did not read any of these but it was considered to be a black cloud from anyone's perspective. But I digress, even if you charge a premium price for a mediocre product, "rustic" accomadations, minimal food selections, I've seen more raw local organic at a salad bar at whole foods in SF that the profits and the spending didn't add up, that the staff was mistreated and berated and the constant emphasis on a no gossip policy was not practiced by way of living in a way that was gossip causing, and that most long standing employees were not happy with the day to day dis-organization, but had gotten comfortable. In wanting to improve the conditions I was met with the same old berating of my character and disaproval of being reimbursed for my expenses, being supported of my injuries and my ideas on overall improvements to the systems that were clearly broken and inefficent. Micro Management was often described as the solution to the tasks at hand and now as I wonder how I came even close to healing whatever part of me that was broken other than me finding the wornder of great people and a lovely time inspite of the Tree itself, I made no effort to fall into the spell of love as it was so clearly not a place to thrive in the long term.
It is with this that I face todays greatest lesson and my clear and constant challenge, how do you see the Long term and the big picture and make room for the intimacy that makes it worth while? My Uncle was a workaholic he had six kids and a beautiful wife that divorced him as soon as the kids were grown, he said to me that he was regretful that he did not spend more time with them because he was so busy providing for them.... Is this the cultural rehab that I am referring to? Elon Musk is inspirational and the go to when you think the good guys,
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Elon Musk | ||||
| ||||
He is the hero of one of my work-aholic amazing men friends (that I have always feared dating), PAYPAL, Tesla, Space X making tons of money building good things, he is 40 with 5 kids and works 100 hrs a week worth 2 billion and counting and has now a Starter wife where in an article in Marie Clare she talks about how demanding he was for perfection and how utterly lonely she was during the marriage and after her divorce in 6 weeks he was engaged to a 20s something gorgeous actress that he is now divorcing after a year. I had a well of feeling for someone I met at the Tree but did not act on them because of all the music in my head about what was ok and boundries, not feeling focused on my place and always wanting a certain reaction. I was used to control and rarely submitt and all this other stuff, so often I wait till it is later and in reflection that I even begin to experience what I really wanted to become of the experience. so how do you move forward knowing some part of you is asleep at the wheel because it is in protective mode. Well that is my big project know my cultural rehab has come down to this question, and if I find the answers or if I struggle with them I will keep searching because I want to love not the love that means dissapointment or that expects it or the love that means blind fairy tale with no acceptance of the daily effort and responsibility of courtship. As we begin to cross over to the most anticipated year in ages I am woeful of my lack of placement for the shift. But each day I find an inspiration to call myself the luckiest girl and hope I will be thoughtful enough to recognize and react to the oportunities of exposing love as pure, success as grand and mediocrity as vulgar.
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